Tweak Peak

I drank 20 oz of coffee at Alcove about 3 hours ago, and I'm still twitching. I feel like a crack addict, and I don't speak from experience on that comment. I spent a few hours working on a jigsaw puzzle that John bought me, which a fifth of has already been completed in that time frame. That reminds me of the old days when I used to pop a tab and work an entire jigsaw puzzle in one night. You can say I love jigsaw puzzles. I suppose if I had more coffee to drink I could complete another jigsaw puzzle in one night. What they say is true. Caffeine is a drug only not addictive... at least not to me. I hardly drink caffeine so I suppose this is a natural response for drinking coffee. It's like eating candy for the first time. I'll need to come down from this kick soon, though. I am teaching a lab downtown tomorrow at 8 am and will need some rest. Aye.

In Development

Be proud, Mom and Dad. I voted today. Since it was my first time, I didn't go alone, and as I stood in line, I actually felt like I had a say in government. I didn't have that before, and I didn't really want to vote before. Peter helped. I still don't really feel like I need to vote, but I'm trying to understand the importance of it. I am a citizen in development.

As I inched closer to the poll, I had a flashback of me as a little kid at Hancock elementary school, sitting in the bottom level of the auditorium and waiting for my parents to vote. My parents never really stressed political values with my brothers or myself. I assume they wanted us to form our own. I read once that our families play a major role as to what our political values are, but even though my parents hardly ever spoke about politics, I've always had an intuition as to what their values are. I suppose their values stretched across all aspects of our lives.

Below Par

I rested a lot this week. Tuesday I was knocked down by a cold that is still working its way out of my system. I feel much better, but the cold took a major toll on my studies, plans, and personal life. On a day that I should have stayed in bed, I trekked to school because of a test. I had plan (and looked forward to) hiking Providence Canyon today, but I am not well enough to go hiking still. This may have very well been the last weekend that I could go hiking before the weather cools. *SIGH* This week was tough. It was a test in many aspects of my life, some of which I failed. My temperament needs improvement. I should regard my words and actions beforehand.

Future Plans

I'm looking forward to:

... going to Providence Canyon this weekend.
... finishing this semester.
... spending a weekend with Kelly.
... seeing my family.
... going to Vermont.
... and many more interesting things ahead in my life that I am too absent-minded to list them here.

Good day.

Diffidence

One of the lab groups fabricated data on the previous week's lab. I know they fabricated the data because they used the same apparatus as someone else, and their data did not resemble the other lab groups in the least bit. So I gave them 0's. When one of the members of the group saw her grade, she decided to make a scene about it by yelling at me from the back of the class to come talk to her. I felt like my body had just gone white and goose bumps covered me. I didn't move from the desk so she came to me. She raised her voice and continued to tell me that I couldn't give her a grade like that when I saw them "do" the lab. I tried to explain to her why she got her grade without showing signs of quiver in my voice. I suppose she felt justified in that everyone's data would be different. I can agree that everyone's data would be different, but not that different. I told her if she had a problem with her grade that she would need to speak with my lab coordinator/supervisor and gave her the office number. She left, but she came back... this time she made an even bigger scene.

All of the other lab groups had already started the lab. She came in and sat back down where she usually sits. She made a phone call and decided to talk poorly about me in front of the other students. The same distressing feeling came over me. I conjured up the words to ask her to leave, but her only response was that I should leave. I needed back up so I texted John to see if he could get her to leave since I didn't have the number for the police station to have her removed. John came and I began to feel a little more comfortable. She wouldn't even budge for him so he went to the security guard at the front of the building, and they called the police station. Three police officers showed up to have her escorted out. She stated that she was already on her way out and that John was rude to her and left.

Soon after, her lab partner showed up. I could tell by the look on her face that she had spoken to the other student that was removed from the class. I handed her her grade, and she gave me the same excuses as to why she should not have received a zero. I told her the same as I told the first. She was very polite during our conversation, but as she walked away to grab her books, she called me a profane name and left.

I hate that I'm not assertive. Well, I am to a degree... more so with people I know that with those I don't. I suppose that my lack of assertiveness with strangers presents itself as a problem, especially in the Physics lab I'm teaching this semester.

Meet a Hiker

I love how myspace has an advertisement for "meeting a hiker." Who would meet a hiker on myspace? Hikers don't hang out on myspace for hours on end. If you want to meet a hiker, you could join a club like the Atlanta Outdoors Club. That's my two-pence. Join an outdoors club... or if you're like me, ask your friends to hike with you. And why is myspace making hiking out to be something worth pointing out? I suppose being a hiker makes you good dating material. I can agree with that.

Day Break

My ring broke. It was a nice ring, though cheaply made. I can't remember from where it came. It had my birth stone on it. I noticed people don't worry about birthdays too much as they get older. I don't know why. I love birthdays. October is a busy month for birthdays. Sabur, James, and Peter all had birthdays this month. That's not all. There's more to come. I figured out why so many people are born in October. It's because in the winter time people don't usually want to go outside because it's cold so they stay inside. There's only so much you can do inside, and when you're stuck with someone you love (hopefully), well, you get *busy*. My other thought was that a lot of people are born in October because approximately 9 months beforehand is the ever-so-popular drunken holiday full of frivolous activity known as New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve... I spent last New Year's Eve alone. James and I were supposed to go see Sound Tribe Sector 9, but he never got the tickets or something like that. Then we made plans to go see STS9 in August this year, but I had planned a vacation with my family that same weekend. James called me today and asked me to go see STS9 with him late December but not New Year's Eve. I agreed, even though it means I'll have to come back from NC early since I go home for Christmas. I'm going home the weekend after Thanksgiving, too. I just decided that today. I wasn't going to, but now I want to go. I want John to meet my family. I hope he likes them. I hope they like him. They love me, so they should love him, too. They have no reason to not like him. John is lovable. He tries to make people smile just because they feel bad. He is the most thoughtful person I know. That's good fortune.

Bye-bye, bites

Ana had/has fleas. I took her to the vet a couple of weeks ago. They put her on antibiotics and an anti-inflammatory (to control itching). She had lost a great deal of hair and began to look rather malnourished. Since then she has gained weight, and she's had a flea bath and a dose of front-line. I cleaned her bedding. She doesn't scratch as much anymore, but I have seen a flea on her. I'm taking her to the vet tomorrow for a check-up. Hopefully, I will get some advice as to what to do next... like bathe her again.

Missed Connections

Peter and I went hiking yesterday at Blood Mountain. The day was nice - a beautiful sky and cool enough that we could ride with the windows down and not break a sweat. We sat on large rocks in the shade for breaks that were so cool when we got up our bums were numb. We passed a lot of hikers on the trail, probably because it wasn't a strenuous trail. The hike was nice, but I felt like something was missing, and I still do.

I haven't spent much time with Peter these days, and I think he's been a little lonely. We decided to go hiking a few weeks ago. Typically when we hike, I have so much to say, but this time I didn't have anything to say. Nothing. I think I made a comment once about Kelly sending me a thank you card for the cookie jar that I made her and how happy she was to see me at her surprise wedding shower. After that, I just listened to what Peter had to say. I suppose he needed someone to listen to him, but he made a comment about how he was talking to much and asked me to join in. I could only conjure up the words, "I guess I don't have too much to say since all I do is eat, sleep, and study."

It's true. I feel a little less enthusiastic these days when it comes to talking with my friends. While they are out on the town, I'm searching for answers to my modern or diff-EQ homework. I haven't quite figured out how to bridge a conversation about my scholastic studies to my friends who have no clue what I'm talking about. The truth is that I saw this coming... I just didn't want to believe it.

The first time I noticed the beginning of my missed connections was while I visited NC. I tried to explain some extraordinary idea about light diffraction, and as I continued to discuss it (with myself) I noticed the look on my friend's face - utterly blank. I was dumb-struck. I had just made my friend feel stupid, and I had "succeeded" so well that they had no retort. In all honesty, anyone who knows me knows that I would never belittle another person especially with knowledge, and by seeing the look on that person's face made me realize that my mind is transitioning to a place that not many people go.

Closing Gaps and Taking Naps?

I had to chop off a lot of Ana's hair the other day. She's been nibbling herself and it became matted. Her short tail hair makes her look even skinnier, and I told her she looks like a boy. Peter watched her for me while I was in NC this past weekend, and he told me when I got back that Ana had jumped the fence not once, but twice in two consecutive days! Neither of us knew how until today. While I was saying goodbye to John, she slid through a slit in the fence. It wasn't connected to the neighbor's fence. I can't believe she gave up her secret that easily. I went to Home Depot, bought zip ties, and fixed the fence so now she won't get out... until she tramples upon another hole. Darn dog.

On a side note, I'm avoiding my homework. I'm sick and I'm tired. I should probably take a nap. I have a lot of homework to do, though. *sigh*

So close yet so far away...

I went to an observatory yesterday with other SPS (Society of Physic Students) members. If you've never had the opportunity to look through a $20,000 telescope, I sincerely suggest taking the time to find one. In one clear evening, I laid eyes upon Jupiter so clearly that I could see striations from the gas clouds and four of its moons. I also observed a globular cluster, the moon, and the nearest galaxy to our own (Milky Way): Andromeda. The stars seem so close, but when you look at the nearest galaxy and it's close to 2 million light years away, you begin to put yourself in perspective. I was looking at 2 million year old light... that's how far away the galaxy is.

That's not the only thing that I feel so close to yet so far away. Relationships have been sort of thrown in the air since I moved to Tucker, and though I have formed new ones, I'm not sure how to label them. Maybe I shouldn't... I'm not really sure. My problem being that if I label my new relationships there is the potentiality that I may interrupt our blissful lives as they are. I can't be too finite on this subject because well I'm not open to admitting my feelings on this matter at the moment, but let's just say that there's a gap in my path, and I feel comfortable enough to jump it only I'm not sure that's the path I want to take.

Decisions, decisions.

Sayonara Ok Cupid

Dating is disappointing. I send messages to potential dates, and we seem to hit it off. Then we meet, and they're a let down. I read about them, I talk to them, and then when I see how they are in person, they're different. Either they look nothing like their pictures, or they're nothing like what they say their personality is like. I actually had one guy tell me on our date that he dropped out of college because he "didn't feel like putting in the effort." Wow. *sarcastic* Where has he been all of my life?!? I had another date last weekend meeting a Tucker local. The date started off well, but out of the blue, he says that he met someone at some bar in Tucker a few days after he met me, and later found her on Ok Cupid so he said he was checking me out "for [his] roommate." Please pass me, the table scraps, to the next lonely male... NOT!

So this is it. This is my good-bye letter to Ok Cupid. I'm not deleting my profile; I'm just going away for a while. I'm going to join society and meet guys the old fashioned way, and perhaps this time I will meet someone who is slightly more sane than all the others I've ran into online. Sayonara Ok Cupid.

It's a weakness; so shoot me.

Despite the fact that I try to control my emotions, some just boil enough to reach a certain point of overflow, enough to make me go insane. Anger just happens to be one of them. I never stand up for what I believe is true unless I'm absolutely sure, and when I'm not so sure, I always back down. I'm just a push over like that, and it hardly ever happens that I am completely and accurately correct. So when I know I'm right, you better believe I'm not backing down without a fight... even it means I have to hold it against you. I will forever believe I am correct until you can prove otherwise.

Here's just a reminder:

You Can't Win Them All

Peter says I'm being pouty, but I think he just says that to pick on me and make me feel better. While he's being stuck and pumping out the life juice, I'm sitting on the sidelines wearing a sticker that says, "Be nice to me... I TRIED to give blood today."

Today would be the third time I've been denied to give blood because of my iron level. I suppose I'm a little upset because I tried so hard to do it right this time by eating healthier, and even though my iron level was within range, I was told that I missed their minimum by 1%. One percent!

As I was handed back my blood donor card, I felt my eyes get teared up. I fought it. I just didn't want people to see me getting all melancholy over not being able to give blood. After walking around the mall for a half hour or so, we go back home. I moped around, trying to cope with not being able to give blood today. Why am I so upset?

Giving blood is one thing I always associated with as a contribution to society. I don't feel like I've made any kind of difference or contribution. The one time I try to do some voluntary good deed I'm denied. It's depressing.

Peter bought me something to cheer me up, and I took it, but it doesn't fill the part of my heart that wants to give.

A Poem by Me

I found this poem today. I wrote it in August of 2007, and I have an inkling as to why I was so sad that day. The reason I'm posting it here is that I'm cleaning up my hard drive of junk, and this poem, I decided, should survive because it reminds me that no matter how bad life may seem, things will turn around.

"Hugless Hug-ho"

Sometimes you feel like hiding...
You want to be alone,
But at the same time you're longing for something.
What it is - you don't know.
You feel it.
It's the source of your suffering.
You shed a tear, just one for now.
Somehow that brings consolation-
Just for a moment.
You wrap your arms around yourself
Your soul crashes within you
It hurts, but it needs to come out.
You'll feel better later.
Right now, you can only focus
On the fact that you're alone.
Someone tries to call you,
And you ignore them,
But didn't you need them all along?
Somehow speaking with them
Makes what you're feeling worse
Mainly because all the hurt is coming out,
But from experience you know that
Sharing your thoughts is part of the resolution.
Someone could be right next to you
And you'd still feel alone.
No one knows what you're feeling.
All you need is a little empathy,
And you can't have it.
Sometimes you just need a hug.
No words, just a hug.

On Mental Rest...

I'm beginning to wonder if these sleepless nights have any meaning to them. Despite all of my preparations to have a deep sleep, I find my mind rambling through my past. My mind remembers tiny details of small moments that were long forgotten and at present race in and out of my mind faster than lightning striking right before my eyes. I pause in mid-thought, suddenly focusing my attention on the rhythmic singing of the crickets outside. They speak to me and remind me of where I am. I am here, in the present... not in the past. I close my eyes. I place my hands across my abdomen and slow my breathing. I stretch and then feel a gentle wisp of air on my face from the ceiling fan. My mind empties itself of all thought. I am free. Sleep is just a whisper away...

Daily Designation

I watch clocks like a supermodel who constantly looks in her compact mirror.

I stare at a clock, thinking :: Time to get up. I have so long until I have to leave the house. Class starts at this time. Feed Ana, morning and night. How much time do I have to waste before I have to do my homework? When is the best time to call my parents? What time does [a place] close? How much sleep did I get last night? How long should I wait? ::

Time is a parameter, a guideline for each and every day of my life. It ultimately makes the decision as to what events will come to pass. Time is a limit, and though I am the most prompt person I know, days without consideration of time feel as if they are a complete waste. Today has been like one of those days when you left the laundry in the washing machine, and the clothes begin to turn sour. This day is sour. A rain on the parade, a useless 24 hour period without any accomplishments. I have nothing to say for myself except that I played navigator for an hour or two and that I was responsible enough to make a trip to the farmer's market to buy food so I can have lunch tomorrow.

Now I wallow in the fact that it's nearing bed time, and tasks that I should have done earlier in the day have patiently waited, neatly stacked themselves, and are ready to be completed. What's stopping me? Time.

The Absolute Freedom

I spent a good deal of time online yesterday digging into something deep. It felt like an obsession, but I couldn't pull myself away from it. A few years ago I watched a documentary called Bowling for Columbine about the 4/20/99 school shooting at Columbine High School in Littleton, CO, and while I was filtering through my movies the other day, I came across it. I decided to research more information on this tragedy for myself. I read articles upon articles, statements, blogs, some which could be believed and others that couldn't. I plunged deep to get into the minds of the suicidal/homicidal teens who expressed their rage towards their classmates and teachers.

Reading and listening to differing conclusions about the root cause of their actions reminded me of what life was like when I was a teen. At the time, high school seemed like the beginning and end. I finally felt grown-up, but I knew after high school life would be a lot worse - not seeing my friends everyday and more responsibility. There were plenty of times then when I thought about suicide and came close to doing it. Suicide seemed to be the absolute freedom from obligations and troubles. I never told anyone about those moments. I just kept them to myself, not even my parents know of those difficult and trying times in my life. Like Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, I expressed those depressing thoughts in a journal.

While showering today, out of nowhere, I remembered one of those suicidal moments. My dad always knew I liked to sit on top of the roof and yelled at me for it. I would access the deck through the sliding door in my parents' bedroom and hop over the railing to the roof of the garage and then finally on up to the rooftop of the house. I would sit on the roof when I just wanted to be alone to think. Most of the time I was sad and upset, and no one would bother me up there. If I were in my room, my family would beg to come in. On this particular day that I recalled, I remembered precisely why I had gone to the roof. Beau Robinson had broken up with me again. The story behind Beau has some extensive detail, but let's just say that I really loved this guy, and I'm pretty sure he felt the same, but he just wouldn't commit to me (because he was scared?). It sounds retarded now when I think back on that moment, but I was fairly upset with him for taking another little piece of my heart away. So on that day I walked to the side of the house, standing on the apex of the roof. I held my arms out like I was a bird, ready to fly off the edge. This was the highest point on the roof because the house was on a downward slope. I looked down, and considered just jumping right then. I stood there, just staring at the ground below me, feeling the wind blow my hair about me. Suicide seemed possible, but in the back of my mind, I thought, "If I do jump, and I don't die, then I'll have to deal with having broken bones, and my parents questioning my actions." That overruled the suicide attempt that day.

I don't regret having that suicidal moment. In fact, I could even go so far as thanking that guy for breaking up with me again. He helped me to realize that I am a strong person, though I didn't see that until today. I guess the point of this blog was to say that life may seem troublesome and depressing, and as a young adults, our emotions run away from us when trying to cope with those moments. Those moments seem to be the lowest points in our lives, but the reality is that life could always be worse. I think that is what saved me that day on the rooftop. I realized that I would rather stay the way that I was (alive and well) than have to deal with broken bones and upset parents. Somewhere deep inside, while I was reading about Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold I just kept hoping that I could save them, as if they were still alive. I was hoping that they would see what I see now... a life full of ups and downs that when recalled help us become better people.

Friends or More?

It all began when Sabur kidnapped me and stole me for the weekend. I only thought I would be gone for a day, but it ended up being 3. A few days before, Sabur tells me that he has family coming into town, and I made the suggestion that I stay with Todd (our mutual friend) who lives about 5 minutes away. I pretty much spent the entire weekend with Todd, but Sabur stopped by to visit and we went or hung out at times, but at night, I was with Todd. The first night I asked him if I could share a bed with him. I like sharing beds with people... especially if I like them. We snuggled (very well). It was good snuggling. The next weekend I figured I'd give Todd a call to see what he's doing. He said he was supposed to hang out with someone, but they hadn't called him back so he called me over. Needless to say, I stayed at his house again (just snuggling). I won't deny that by this time that I wanted to jump his bones, but something just told me that I shouldn't because I don't know if this person has feelings for me.

I've been struggling with how to say this the past few days. How do you tell someone you like them more than as a friend without ruining the friendship? "I like you," seems dull and uninteresting. I'm not trying to say "I love you," but I want to say it with some meaning so that he knows I'm interested in him as a person and not just for the sex part. Thinking back now on my history with Todd, there was a time when he acted like he was really interested in me, but I'm not sure if that still exists. He hasn't been in a relationship since then and neither have I. Also, it was just hinted a couple of times. On the other hand, Sabur tells me that Todd is a very picky person, that he has high standards and as a result he hasn't had a date in a long time. Ay carumba! I'm not perfect, and those words right there do not offer any encouragement of professing my interest in this person.

The bottom line is that I want to have a relationship with this guy. I'm tired of just jumping into the sex part and then finding out later that my interests was all for nothing. Sure I enjoy the sex while it lasts, but it has no fulfillment in the end. What's it worth if I don't have someone that I feel close to? We are just f*ck buddies at that point, and I never have been able to accept that, especially with someone that I like. So either I tell him how I feel and risk losing our friendship or I just move on and forget this butterfly feeling that I have every time I'm around him.

Just a Pink Peg in the Game of Life

Sometimes jumping at opportunities helps make something of yourself, even if you're not sure where the opportunities will lead you. I kind of had an idea long ago of what I wanted to do in life, but I never owned up to it. I guess I lived life for the moment, and I just wasn't ready to grow up yet. I'm still not, but not too long ago, my Id spoke to me and told me that what I'm doing with my life RIGHT NOW is not what I'm supposed to be doing for the rest of my life. Doors opened, and now I'm walking through. It's a little scary.

I turned in my resignation notice yesterday for my job, even though I don't have another job lined up. Scary in itself, right? Yeah, I'm going on faith that something will fall into my lap (with some effort) or I'll just sign up for some job like serving, again. Either way, I have 2 screwed up emotions announcing themselves inside me: excitement and fear. I'm excited that I will be leaving the hell-hole of a job I landed years ago and starting school full time but scared because I won't have the safety cushion anymore. I won't have a big pay check that I can spend on what I want because I'll have to budget. I won't have my benefits; I won't have holidays. I won't have the weekends off, and I'll hardly ever get to see my friends or family in NC. That's a lot to give up. A LOT.

Two years. That's how long the sacrifice will be. Two. It doesn't seem like a huge number, but it's also 104 weeks or 728 days, etc. Even so, who's to say that after making such a sacrifice that I will even be able to graduate in that time? Here's where the scary part kicks back in. People tell me I'm smart... I'm brave... I have nothing to worry about... and I'm on the right track, but that's easy to say when you're not the one doing it. *sigh* Living in the moment doesn't help me to see the ends I will reach with such sacrifices. I am impatient and want to see them now.

A thought.

Bathing in Moonlight

As I pulled to the street side by my house, I peeked into the backyard and saw lightning bugs floating about in the dusk. My heart fluttered as I turned off the ignition, grabbed my things, and ran to the door. I fumbled my keys in the excitement. I threw my things down at the kitchen table and raced to the back door. The first few moments I chased nothing. I ran after air. I saw a flicker, and it disappeared. I ran to where the flicker was and... nothing. Damn. I did this quite a few times. Chasing lightning bugs seemed much easier as a kid, but then again wasn't half the fun in the chase? I learned to pace myself after a while, and finally I caught one. He flew away. I slowly edged towards more lightning bugs, and suddenly I was covered in moonlight. I peered into a full moon in the darkening sky that had been perfectly placed between two forty foot pine trees. The full moon was so luminescent that I stopped in my steps and quietly soaked in the magic that was happening. I raised my arms as I had done so many times in Wiccan rituals and closed my eyes to find my inner peace. In a clockwise direction, I slowly turned to bath my entire body in the moonlight, as if cleansing my soul. After completing one full turn, I opened my eyes and gazed upon the moon in awe. I immediately felt 16 years younger and laughter bubbled inside me. I giggled to myself.

A day like today reminds me that life is more than working and paying bills, that life should be enjoyed, and that in everything there is something to be appreciated. A day like today says that today is the best day, and if every day were the best day, then there would never be any bad days. That's the most important piece... not having any bad days. Now there's a thought.

Weird Thought

I was in the warehouse at work today just before it was time for me to clock out. I was finishing up putting labels on the equipment I'd just received in the database. We label all of the inventoried equipment with "material codes." A material code sheet holds 30 sticker labels: 3 columns, 10 rows. I noticed that whenever I use the labels, I always start at the most left column of the 3, and when Angela, the other inventory clerk, uses the labels she begins at the most right column. I analyzed this trend consciously while labeling the DSL filters.

I concluded that:

(1) I start at the left most column because I am right-handed. I use my left hand as support for my right-hand peeling the sticker label.

(2) Angela is left-handed so she starts at the right most column, using her right hand as support for her left.

(3) We both use the middle column last.

(4) We complement each other.

After I'd finished this complete conscience thought, I felt strangely awkward, and I'm not sure why.

Ch-ch-changes

I always feel weird after coming back from a vacation. Ugh. I must work again. I beginning to feel like all I do is work, and well it's not any fun. It's not that work is supposed to be fun, but I have this lasting hope that one day I would enjoy what I do. How did life become so dull and boring? I remember that not so long ago I was passionate about life and what I do with it. I'm not sure if I've fallen victim to routine. Perhaps I need a wrench thrown into the gear to create some change. I read on someone's rants today that they were tired of hearing people complain about how they are "stuck" somewhere in life, i.e. a situation, and continued saying that no one is truly "stuck" because a decision just needs to be made. So there never really is an in-between. Either you do something about it or you don't.

Either I change what I do or I deal with what I've got. That's easier said than done, but it's worth a shot.

Empty Love Tank

I called my parents again today. I've been calling them a lot lately. I think I miss them. Sometimes I find myself just calling them for no particular reason at all. I called a few times this past month just to say "I love you." Is that normal? Today I called them because I wanted to know where I could buy some binoculars... and they don't even live in the same state as me, much less the same city.

Maybe I just call them because it feels good to know that someone misses and loves me. I don't get that kind of attention much these days. I used to. I don't know what happened to it. These days I'm feeling more and more alone. At one time, I had more friends than I could juggle, but it seems they have drifted away one by one. Life does that. People become wrapped up in their own lives and forget those who at one time meant something to them. I have forgotten people before, and I guess I realize how hard it is on the other person since I am now one of those forgotten.

My loneliness has caused me to act out of character. It's odd how often I call my parents because at one time, I remember I used to get calls from them everyday, or so it seemed. My dad used to call me on Saturday mornings at 8 am waking me up, but that doesn't happen anymore. I'm lucky I got a phone call on my birthday I guess. Actually, my mom forgot about my birthday because the card came a few days later and she called a few days late.

I suppose I'm calling them to make up for all the times that they called me. It balances out.

So long and thanks for nothing...

I said good-bye today to the rotten existence of a male that I was dating. Saying good-bye was pretty easy, but doing it doesn't help my sanity any. I just can't figure out why the guy acts like a douche.

I won't pretend to give excuses for his words/actions, but here are a few examples that are questionable:

(1) I made plans with you and another couple earlier this week to do a double date, but "my 'brothers' called and I'm going to hang out with them instead."

(2) "You're supposed to ask if I want to be your boyfriend."

(3) He had a headache so bad that we had to leave a party early, but he was still able to operate his dick.

(3) He never wanted to hang out with me and my friends, even though I hung out with him and his friends.

(4) He compared me to his fantasy version of a female and not in a good way.

(5) He couldn't "go" longer than 10 minutes.

I could sit here and list quite a few more worthless characteristics, but person-bashing is not "my thing," even though I'm sure I would feel better about myself. I guess the question is this: if so many people find me to be this wonderful person, how come this one guy couldn't see that?

Guy Lingo (#$*&%)

When was the law made that you have to "ask" to be someone's girlfriend? Never has someone said that to me until today. From what I've heard, if you're mutually and exclusively dating someone consistently for at least 2 months, then you're in a "common law" relationship. I figure if we're both having a good time and enjoy each other's company, then we're in a relationship, especially if he's opening doors and offering to pay for dinners, etc.

However, this is not the case with the current guy. Over dinner, I let slip that I didn't know if I should consider him my boyfriend. To which he replied that I needed to ask (based on what he heard from a girl a few years back). I immediately responded with, "And how old was she?" The last time I remember "asking" someone to be my boyfriend was when I was in grade school. Jeez, are we kids or what?!?

After that story was unraveled, he said he wasn't looking for a relationship right now and that he intended to still call me because he enjoys my company and we have good times together. But my thoughts are what have we been doing the past 2 months? Of course, he could be stringing me along, and I'm totally shocked if he is because from what our mutual friends have told me he's not that type of character.

On impulse today, I nearly just broke it off. I wasn't going to answer my phone if he ever called me again (it would be easiest that way), but after discussing this with a few friends and getting valuable input from multiple angles, I've decided that I will be an "adult" about the situation and ask him what he meant the next time we talk just to make sure we are both on the same page.

I do not want to get hurt again.

This Old House

Less than 30 days left in this apartment, and it feels like it was yesterday when I moved in. It's been nice living here. I remember before I even moved in that all I owned was the clothes on my back and in my closet, some books and movies, and a book case. Moving into an apartment alone was quite scary. I didn't know whom I would be living around, even though the area was a little familiar. I remember going to IKEA and picking out my new furniture. I remember purchasing my 360 and my new TV. I remember asking my coworkers to get me a microwave for Christmas because I hadn't had one since I moved in... nearly 7 months (still not sure how I lasted that long).

I hung out with a good friend tonight that I hadn't seen in a while. I hadn't seen him because he lives a little ways away, but also because we both lead very busy lives. I regret not spending more time with my friends, but it was hard for me to spread myself so thin between friends when I already had so little time. I thought about how much I will miss living here today because in a few weeks I will be moving to the other side of Atlanta, the side where I know no one but my roommate. I know that none of my friends will come to visit me because even though I live as close as I do now they don't come. Sadly, I feel the bonds of our friendships breaking and I haven't even moved yet.

I guess the moment has come when I have realized that this old house (apartment) will not be mine anymore and life must go on. I'm moving because I have an agenda and ambition, and though I am leaving something behind me, I am moving forward to a better life. I must remind myself that this is only a minor sacrifice.

You rang?

Eh, I'm not one to talk on the phone much, but every once in a while I take the time to call and check up on mis amigos favoritos. I hadn't talked to Peter in about 3 or 4 days so I felt the need. When I called, I got his voice mail so I decided to call him later. On my way to the train station after class, I called his cell again. This time the call was answered, but not by Peter.

I heard someone on the other end with a Spanish accent. After we exchanged awkward greetings, I asked "Who is this?!" To which the gentleman replied, "This is Julio." "Where's Peter?!?" I replied. Confused, I hung up. I immediately called his brother Phil to find out if he had heard from Peter because my immediate thought was #1 that someone had stolen his phone and #2 that something terrible had happened to him. I wanted confirmation that neither had occurred, but I knew that Peter would not remember my cell phone number to call me from another phone if he had indeed lost his cell. I asked Phil to call me as soon as he heard from Peter, no matter what time of the day it was.

I'm still confused and concerned about Peter's welfare so I call my friend Sabur to discuss it. Next thing I know, Peter's cell is beeping in on my conversation with Sabur, and I thought "It's that Julio guy again." I answered the phone, and this time it was Peter. I'm really confused by this point, but glad to hear his voice.

Peter unraveled the confusing tale. Strangely, Peter had gotten a similar call as I had, except his was from a Spanish speaking woman. So Peter had the same thoughts I had: that someone stole my phone and/or that something terrible had happened to me. Not even 15 seconds after I hung up with Phil, Peter called him and explained the same scenario and asked for a follow-up on me if Phil heard from me. Phil laughed off the strangeness and told Peter he had just hung with me. That is when Peter called me.

I'm not really sure what happened. But it's quite freakish. I'm guessing the lines got crossed in transmission, and I'm sure the other two people that we got mixed up with were feeling the same as Peter and I were. Confused and scared for the person whom they had thought they rang.

For Sabur

Most people know that I don't really enjoy talking on the phone. Though I love to get phone calls, I try to keep the conversation as short as possible, always. Only one person in my life has the ability to keep my jaws clacking more than 5 minutes, and the fact that he can do this is in itself mesmerizing. Every phone conversation we have seems to be at minimum an hour, and I tell myself, "What the heck am I talking about for an hour?"

The truth is that I open up my heart to this person. I know that no matter what comes out of my mouth that he will not judge me for it. I know this because I can say some of the quirkiest things, and he will just laugh at me. I have a comeback for his laugh, of course, which always leads to more laughing. We probably spend more time laughing on the phone than we do actually conversing, but nonetheless, I always have a grin on my face when I'm talking to him, and my face almost always hurts from grinning after I hang up.

I realized today that I know this person inside and out. After 3 years, I know exactly what his tastes are, how he operates as a person, and some of his secrets that he unknowingly reveals. I know exactly what will make him laugh. We enjoy each other's company so much, but we hardly see each other.

I guess that hour long conversation makes up for all the time we haven't spent together, and it just feels so damn good to have someone that I can open up to, that gives a damn about who I am and what happens to me, but still keeps me light-hearted enough to enjoy life no matter what good or bad may come my way.

So here's to my friend, Sabur! May we forever be the best of friends, keep our hearts light, our pockets full, and our minds always open! Blessings upon us.

Better Off Alone?

It comes to this: Would I rather be with someone that I semi-care about or just become single again? A few outside forces are applying pressure to this decision: my friends, my sanity, my desire to not be alone, my upcoming move, among others. I suppose I should just make my decision about this relationship the way I used to. I would write down the pros and cons of the situation and weigh them (not physically, you nincompoop).

Pros: nice, humorous, graduate, teacher, big on family, neat, goofy, pays most of the time, lives alone, doesn't drink alot (pro/con), never done drugs (pro/con), likes being outdoors, adapts to my eating style, plays video games, reads books, loves the ocean, currently lives close

Cons: socially awkward, introverted, doesn't eat healthy, allergies, needs work in the bedroom, not willing to hang out with my friends with me, doesn't drink alot (pro/con), never done drugs (pro/con), watches way too much TV, wants to own a gun

Ok, so it's 17-10. I'll keep dating him to see if things change. I won't force him to change; he'll need to do this on his own.

Monkeys that Drive me Bananas

Slackin' is out of character for me. I always do the best that I can everyday, but when my workplace hits a nerve, somehow I've just found myself kickin' back and watching them fall. The nerve they hit was that I have enough monkeys on my back. I don't need any of theirs. It's typical, though, for my supervisor/manager to pass down some trite task that I don't have time for or is out of my job description entirely.

I have an awesome learning curve and love to learn new ideas and ways to handle problems. I'm like a sponge; I absorb it all. This can be my downfall because being human I can only handle so much. Eventually, I will be in overload, my emotions will go into alarm, and someone will come to understand my strife. At that moment, I become another person, like Jen in IT Crowd when "Aunt Erma comes to visit" (funny stuff).

I don't mind slackin' off, though. I know that I don't have too much longer with this company because I plan to leave within the next couple of months. I guess that in itself brings me some solace. Knowing that when I do leave these ass-hats will be up against the creek with out a paddle or life jacket makes me smile on the inside.

What's surprising is that I used to love what I do. Somewhere in the time that I've worked there, something has changed how I felt about working for that company. I'm not sure where it was lost, but it sure as hell isn't coming back.

For now, I'll just take it one day at a time...

Electronic Time Capsule

Dear Self:

If you're reading this, then you are still alive. Way to go!

The year is 2008, and George W. Bush is in his last year of his 2nd term as President. The nominees for the next aren't looking so good, but if you recall, you were never political. So it's not that important. You were pretty close to registering to vote this year because you enrolled in a Political Science course at Georgia State University, but after the class was completed, you lost interest and moved on to bigger and better things... like more studying (Good job on staying focused). Perhaps you're more political now that you're a college graduate (and you better be by the time you read this).

Congratulations for staying put for 2 years. Yes, this was the 2nd year of the first apartment you lived in by yourself in that little small 'burb of Vinings in Atlanta. The apartment complex did a great job of making sure there was constant construction going on so that you had difficulty coming in and out of the complex, and they also made sure to jack up the rent 40% so you wouldn't renew. However, this year you decided that it was time to go to school full time and move in with Pete Heigel (You haven't moved yet). You get DOUBLE KUDOS for staying put in the same city for more than 1 year (took you 4 years to be able to do that).

You recently had a crazy date invitation with a guy you met online. His name was Amos. One day you called him, and he happened to be in the apartment complex down the street. He told you he wanted to take you out to dinner, and when he showed up he reeked of alcohol and forgot that he even asked you out. Bummer. No worries, though, about a month later you started dating Anthony Aksentis... that TKE Alumni that's close friends with your Indian friend Vinny Patel whom you schooled with at Southern Polytechnic University and knew through TJ (Tom) Race and that Taurus of an ex-boyfriend (Joe Wright). Sorry to drop so many names, but hopefully, you didn't lose touch with those people.

You have a dog from the Joe Wright break-up. Her name is Anastasia, but you call her Ana or Ana-banana. She's German Shepherd and Border Collie mixed. Right now she's doing her typical snuggling with you by laying her head on your feet, while you type away on the lappy and relax on the couch. She makes a great foot warmer. She loves you even though you don't have a lot of time to spend with her. Lucky for you, she understands and loves you even more when you take her to the off-leash dog park to socialize with other dogs and play fetch. She loves Saturdays for this reason.

Oh yeah. You're saying "Good-bye" to Saturdays soon. With the move, you've decided to quit your micro-managing shit job at Protection One and pick up another shit job like waitressing. Working for P1 was nice while it lasted, but it's time to move on. The holiday pay, benefits, and having weekends off no longer entice you to deal with their bullshit. Though you'll miss some of your co-workers, you know you'll never see them again. Your life leads you in another direction far and away from the skills you've gained at this workplace. Adios!

Well, I think that's all I can say about life in 2008 so far except that you became vegetarian again. We're only 3 months in to the year, but with time flying as fast as it is these days, it'll seem like yesterday when you read this.

Good luck in the future, and remember that family and friends are the most important parts of your life.

Love,
Your Self

I need a bucket of red paint...

So I can paint the town red.

After years of never being asked to purchase any and always missing the ladies at the local food stores because of my school/work schedule, I finally got my opposable thumbs on Girl Scout Cookies.

My stomach leaps for joy. =)

Time to Kill

Boredom partnered with time-
The cheap way to get through the day.
A sweet release it is to be free from work,
Yet not have a clue what to do.
No charge for your boredom except sanity
Staring blankly around the room
Contemplating what objects to touch
So that the long, wasted day seems
Like it's filled with meaning.
Tap the keyboard for an hour.
Delay interest in the outside world-
At least anything beyond finger tips.
Open a book and hope for an adventure
To take imagination past the front door
Without ever leaving a comfy sofa.
Flip through alphabetized names
In a cellular phone book
Hoping that someone will answer.
A voice mail and now the mystery-
What to say to this person.
Running out of ideas to kill time.
Standing in the middle of the room.
Moments wait patiently to be grasped,
Yet silently slip through another day.

The Lights Are on But No One's Home.

The subconscious can be a dangerous place to wander. Several times I've found myself digging into it not paying attention to where I was or what I was doing while there. I thought about this after a mild blackout episode in my car today.

I recalled last night. Ani DiFranco played a concert in Athens, and Pete came with me to see it. I ran through all the small moments that will soon be forgotten: the lesbian chit-chat in the ladies' bathroom, the strings of lights above the wide-open floor attached to a disco ball, looking up at Pete and smiling, hearing sweet music that made my body sway back and forth without effort on behalf on my conscience.

I snapped back to reality as if I'd been hypnotized. One minute I'm focusing on the highway around me, speeding away, and the next, I'm trying to figure out where the past 5 miles went. It was both strange and scary.

Thinking about what my body was actually doing during those 5 miles... My mind was running like a computer program while my eyes blankly watched the road. Blankly, that's scary. In my mind, I pictured those small moments from the concert... and though my eyes were open, I don't recall seeing the highway at all. It's simply amazing that my body has the ability to multi-task like that.

Resolving Guilt

How do you make yourself not feel guilty for something you've done? In your mind, you knew it was the right thing to do, but for some unknown reason, you second guess your decision and wonder why you ever did it.

I did only want I knew how to do; I wrote a heart-felt letter to the person I felt like I owed an apology to. I sent a letter expressing all of my mixed emotions that came with the guilt hoping for a resolution. I found one only because the other person understands me for who I am and doesn't resent me for it.

I cry. I've been forgiven. It's so moving that it reminds me that 16 years ago I had this same feeling when I was saved. Though I don't follow Christianity anymore, I still remember what it's like to feel like a weight has been lifted from me. It's been so long since I have had to ask for it that I almost forgot what it's like. Though I'm sure this will not be the last time I ask for forgiveness, I hope that in the future I will be more careful with decisions I make about my life and those that are involved with it.

Cherry Popper

The first post on a new blog is like reading the first page of a new book; You're ready to dive right in to the good stuff, but you know that every good story has a beginning that doesn't quite fall into place yet. So to begin again - I am breaking away to open myself up to new experiences. I called this blog "cherry popper" because it's the first on this blog site, but also because I'm still a virgin in the aspect of excommunicating folks from my life. The story begins...

Not too long ago, I met a guy that I really enjoyed hanging out with. In no way was I "in love" with him. It wasn't like that, at all. I truly enjoyed him for his personality and was not attracted to him in the least bit. I hate to say it, but I wasn't attracted to him because of his maturity level at times, his openness to talk about the type of porn he likes, and his speech impediment. If I could have looked past all of that, then maybe it would have worked out, but I knew that even though he had only a few faults, those few could turn a relationship sour.

The fact that I could understand my own desires made me feel like I had matured, but my new guy friend could not understand. He just could not comprehend why I wasn't attracted to him. He became so adamant that I should like him that he blatantly asked me why I didn't. I didn't feel like being that person... the one who slashes at your stomach with their words, but he made me out to be. I was honest. I wanted to be tactful, but in our situation, he wasn't going to change how he felt about me unless I made him hurt. It hurt me more than it hurt him because I never wanted to be that person. If only he hadn't pushed me for answers...

So after purposefully hurting him, he distanced himself, which was good for us both. After not talking or seeing each other for a couple of weeks, I figured we'd spent enough time apart, but he fell back in that infatuated rut again. I couldn't breathe in his desperation. So we took another break but even that didn't change how he felt. When all was said and done, I realized that after saying all those things about him to his face that I couldn't be his friend anymore. My desire to be his friend and his desire to be my lover would never reconcile. Our friendship crumbled. Instead of lying to him and to myself about our relationship, I just decided to amputate.

The last time I excommunicated someone from my life nearly a year later we became friends again. I'm hoping it's the same with this one. Although, understanding his maturity level, he will probably see me as a devil woman who ripped out his heart and performed a mariachi dance on it. I don't foresee him understanding my reasons for ending our friendship - if only temporarily.