I miss creativity.

I miss painting. I haven't painted on a canvas since I moved in with Peter, and that was nearly a year ago. The supplies are hidden from my view, mainly because now I am living in a much more limiting space. Even if my desire were strong enough for me to paint, I wouldn't have the time to and that makes me sad.

I'm so bored I'm re-reading blog posts...

I found this post and thought that it was such a magical moment to be remembered that I should re-share it:


"Coupled" 11-04-2008

"** As the train left the station, I peered out the
plexi-glass window upon downtown Atlanta, the city growing
smaller as we made our way towards the suburbs. I looked
upon Grady Memorial Hospital as it peaked above the smaller
buildings. Suddenly, he made a soft sigh, one of joy ...
not relief, and I smiled and turned my head to look at him.
I said, "Susan and Teman are having a baby!" He replied,
"That's what I was just thinking!" **

It's amazing how connected our thoughts are... John and I.
We both looked at Grady Memorial Hospital and recalled that
Susan works as a chaplain there. John had told me a few
days before that train ride why Susan and Teman were no
longer drinking ... because they were expecting. I know he
felt as joyous as I did about their little one on the way,
and for a moment, I felt love come over me. We kissed."

My Younger Brother

I can't remember how many conversations I've had about my younger brother. He is a person in a difficult situation with many other people, and most of us find ourselves asking why and how he ever got in this predicament. He is the type of person that most people would see as a slacker without any regard for his future, a person who hides themselves in their room so that they can play video games all day, a person who does not know how to take care of themselves without support from a parent. Yes, my brother is a human leech.

I can't help but blame myself partly for his down fall. He is, after all, my brother, and I have looked out for him most of my life, especially at school when others would pick on him. He hasn't walked the most golden path, and from time to time, I try to show him what life could be like if he made a few changes. For a short time, he heeds my advice, but after a while, he regresses back to where he once was. It is quite frustrating when he acts as if he wants my advice and then disregards it, but I am not an everyday influence on him, and I feel that has some weight as to why he doesn't actually take my advice.

There are only a select few people whom he interacts with on a day-to-day basis, and they have nearly given up on helping him. Since I have moved away from my parents' house, he has become more selfish than I ever expected someone to be, and he has completely lost all respect for people, most of all our parents. For that, I find myself hating him. There is no one in this world who has loved him more than my parents, yet he treats them as if they don't care for him at all. I feel more pain for my parents than I do for myself for they must live with him since he still resides at their home.

My parents have debated over this situation more than I will ever know. We have never actually all sat down together and discussed some sort of intervention, but we have discussed it on a 1-on-1 basis. It seems that at times my brother tears my parents from each other because when he "acts out" they disagree on how to handle him. I have on many occasions voiced my opinions, and they confirm that they have the same feelings, but I sense that they have lost hope for my younger brother. They seem to believe that he has fallen so far behind that he will never catch up. I think that he feels the same way, and so they have just come to the point that they will continue to succumb to and help him support his childish ways.

It is a dreadful to know that my parents have given up. It is easy for me to convince one person to do the right thing, but when I am up against three, it is much more trying. I never give up on any of them; I just tire of repeating myself. One day my younger brother will be an old man... a future I'm sure my parents cannot foresee at this time. Now and in the future, I will regret that my parents were able to instill ethics in me but not in him, and I will always wonder why that is so.

Two for Sleep

I woke up last night to find John sprawled across the queen-sized bed as close to me as possible. This put me on the edge, exactly where I fell asleep but with less covers. John's sleeping habits are a bit unusual when compared to my own. I typically sleep in the same spot as I fall asleep without disturbing the covers. Since John and I have begun to share beds, I have woken up many nights when he is having a dream and yelling out some nonsense or swinging violently in the air. Most people would find this annoying... to have someone invading your sleeping area or disruptive, but I find it comforting. It's easier to sleep with John who steals the covers every night, takes up more than half his share of the bed, and talks in his sleep than it is for me to sleep alone. Last night, I realized that I let all of that go.

Need for Rest

Blah. Every day of the week seems the same. I can't remember the last time I actually took a break from school. Sometimes I look forward to the weekends, thinking that I will get a chance to relax. I tell myself that I'm getting a break then but not really.

School is a real challenge that takes up more of my time that I anticipated. Peter said I no longer have a personal life. John has confirmed, although he is my personal life. We are never apart it seems, and when we are it's only for a few hours or more.

The truth is that the free time that I do get I really just want to spend alone... lying on my bed. There I will feel comfort having Ana lying beside the bed as I lie in the quiet and soothing blue-painted room relaxing the tension I feel in my body and mind.

A Random Flutter

Today I stood at a crosswalks. I was standing on a corner in the heart of downtown Atlanta in the middle of the scattered campus of Georgia State University. As I stood there, I looked across the street and I saw a guy. He was an okay looking guy. I thought, "What if I was marrying that guy?" A look came over me, I know it... one of disgust. I can't possibly marry that guy and wouldn't want to because I'm marrying John. I turned my head to look away. I looked back to cross the street, and that same guy had become John. Joy lit up my face, and I felt a little flutter in my stomach because I <3 John.

Tweak Peak

I drank 20 oz of coffee at Alcove about 3 hours ago, and I'm still twitching. I feel like a crack addict, and I don't speak from experience on that comment. I spent a few hours working on a jigsaw puzzle that John bought me, which a fifth of has already been completed in that time frame. That reminds me of the old days when I used to pop a tab and work an entire jigsaw puzzle in one night. You can say I love jigsaw puzzles. I suppose if I had more coffee to drink I could complete another jigsaw puzzle in one night. What they say is true. Caffeine is a drug only not addictive... at least not to me. I hardly drink caffeine so I suppose this is a natural response for drinking coffee. It's like eating candy for the first time. I'll need to come down from this kick soon, though. I am teaching a lab downtown tomorrow at 8 am and will need some rest. Aye.