Notes on Life

Holidays Schmolidays

2010-12-03T20:01:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I don't feel any different than I did before the holiday. I think I should. Mom and Dad drove down to visit John and me for the holiday this year, and it was the first Thanksgiving we had together in many, many years. I always call them on holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and such, but I always feel that face time with my parents is more valuable. However, things have changed.

I feel weird around them now. Sure, I think about my parents from time to time, but I don't phone them as often I have in the past. When I do see my parents, I have trouble just talking and even worse... making polite conversation. I barely see them more than 3 times a year, and that's usually if there is a special reason.

I have recently been reading Carl Sagan's Contact novel, and the main character, Ellie, is much like myself; she's a workaholic who has terrible relationships and carelessly forgets to spend time with family. So I have asked myself some questions:

Am I estranging myself from my parents?
Slowly, yes, I believe so. Inadvertently, I began separating myself from my parents when I moved to Atlanta.

How did it come to this? Apparently, I have forgotten how to socialize with people, even my own parents. My parents are supposed to be the closest people to me, and now we are nearly strangers.

Would I ever move back to NC?
Probably not. By comparison, Atlanta has far more opportunities and has a culture I couldn't experience in NC. Plus, I don't think I could ever convince John to move, to NC at least; he is happy here with his friends and family.

Is there anything I can do to stop this feeling?
I don't feel like there is. Sure, I could call them more, but I can barely carry on a conversation with them in person much less on a phone.

I know someone out there would say "yes" - that I can stop this feeling, but at this point in my life, I can't really see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Something that bothers me...

2010-09-22T18:57:00.000-07:00

A while back, I had decided that I was going to start a "Things people do that annoy me..." list, but in trying to keep an optimistic view on life, I decided against it. However, I will mention this one curious behavior that some humans have a tendency to do. I'm not sure if it's intentional or not, but it can be quite frustrating.

Why is that when a group of people who are walking in the opposite direction of you on a sidewalk fail to share the sidewalk with you, a single person? Do they fail to notice me or do they just not care?

Birds

2010-05-01T12:15:00.000-07:00

I like where my desk is. By a window. On sunny days and sometimes even wetter days, I like to open the blind as high as I can and watch the world go by as I type or read away. I like to make up stories of passers-by or animals or insects I see frolicking about. Birds especially love our yard after a fresh mowing.

I watched a bird today. A black bird. Have you ever been curious about a bird's actions? He (it's a he in my mind) would take a few steps and peck at the ground. Was he picking up some bug to eat or was he searching? Do birds actually poke their beaks into the ground for bugs or do they look before they peck? If birds look before they peck, then he was quite hungry. He pecked a path about 3 meters long. Birds must have large stomachs. =D

UCF: Day 63

2009-07-20T20:16:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Two things:

(1) On nights when I spoon out sherbert, while I'm walking back to my room, I always try to lick the spoon. The funny part is that my tongue always gets stuck to the bottom of the spoon like that kid Flick's tongue does to the pole when he's dared to lick it in A Christmas Story. I always end up ripping the spoon off my tongue like velcro. Luckily, no damage has been done as of yet.

(2) I forgot the other thing.

UCF: Day 62

2009-07-20T20:12:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

We went to Disney World today. I had a blast. Disney World seems much more fun as an adult. It truly is the happiest place on Earth. I found myself dancing around and marching to the music all day long, and I never tired in the 11 hours that we spent in the park. The funniest part by far was when we went to the Monsters Inc Laugh Floor show, and Peter Martin was picked out of the audience to play "Sully" as part of a joke. We all figured he was picked because of his bushy beard. He made some faces on the screen that everyone in the theater could see, and I laughed so hard that tears came streaming down my face. I wiped my eyes so much that I got a little sunscreen in them, but it didn't burn all that bad. I was just too ecstatic about the laugh floor show.

UCF: Days 60-61

2009-07-18T18:03:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Craig and Maria V invited me to a crazy BBQ at Craig's place last night. It was fun to hang out with all the Gauss program people outside of the MAP building as well as some other people that I've come to meet since my stay here. It's kind of sad that I'm finally getting to the point where I feel like friendships are budding and knowing that I will be leaving in two weeks. I will miss them.

I didn't do too much today except some cardio and yoga and then a bike ride to Moe's for some protein. After an afternoon nap, Melissa took me to Target so I could buy a duffle bag for some stuff I need to take back and some blankets for the parents-to-be - Dr. Tamasan and his wife. I have put off doing laundry today, and I shouldn't have. We are going to Disney World tomorrow and I should be resting. I think I will go very soon so that I can make sure to get a good night's rest tonight.

UCF: Day 57-59

2009-07-16T20:52:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Well somehow I missed a few days and I can't figure out where. Unfortunate. It has been really difficult to keep up this blog because I work all day and then come back to the apartment dead beat. All I want to do in the evening is relax while eating a meal before heading to bed.

Today felt like a rather productive day, though I did not work on my research one bit. We came to some depressing conclusions yesterday. Our analysis of the family of linear ODE's is not applicable to the family of non-linear ODE's. So we will only be reporting on the first half. Dr. Tamasan didn't have time to meet today so he said we will meet tomorrow to wrap up some theoretical work from way back. Then I will be responsible for typing up more work in LaTeX. The productive part of my day was that I spent time studying for the GRE. I worked examples all day long - well, about 6 hours total.

Stephanie, Melissa, and Vicky bought their Disney World tickets today so I am more relieved about going now. I bought mine last week because we had decided to go this past weekend, but when they tried to purchase their tickets, the ticket center was sold out. Now all we have to do is decide a day to go. I want to go on Sunday so I can still do yoga on Saturday.

UCF: Day 56

2009-07-15T00:32:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Today has been an alright day that has ended fantastic. I struggled a bit earlier today trying to make it through all the muddled math, but OMG the 6th Harry Potter movie (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince) was released tonight at midnight, and it was amazing and a bit sad. As a Harry Potter fan, I have to say that the director did a better job with keeping most of what was in the book for this movie than previous ones, though some was left out and even then some was added (odd). The ending was a shock, mainly because it ended so abruptly. There was no coming to terms with the final scene. The most shocking event of tonight was finding out that John Mark had gone to see this movie on opening night and that he was dressed as a wizard. He hasn't shown much interest in it to me. I wonder who got him to go... I wish it had been me. I am going to see the movie again on Saturday. Ha.

UCF: Day 55

2009-07-14T15:49:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Today was another long day of work. I began studying for the GRE. It was a little more difficult than I expected, and at the same time, studying is irksome because I feel like I am more intelligent than the practice tests tells me I am. My scores are pitiful.

UCF: Day 54

2009-07-12T19:45:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

*trumpets* Another day has come to an end at UCF in this small eighth of an apartment (not a "quarter", as my friend Laura Norena says.) Today, Vicky, Melissa, Stephanie, Ben, Eddy, and myself went to Universal Studios. It wasn't what I expected. It was both better and worse than my expectations. That sounds contradicting, but it's the truth. The park was actually two parks: one mostly for entertainment in the visual sense, and the other for thrill-seekers. I had a good day though. We had some good laughs and captured some great pictures. Next weekend we are going to Disney World. I can't wait.

What I really can't wait for is to go home... only 19 full more days to go. I thought this would never come. =)

Oh, and I bought John and myself a pair of shirts at Universal Studios.. His says "Thing 1" and mine says "Thing 2."

UCF: Day 53

2009-07-11T14:45:00.001-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Today was an interesting day. Dr. Tamasan told me to not go to my meeting today because he was taking Johann and I out to lunch with his wife. We went to Panera. After I got back, I spent the afternoon wrapping up the step functions/piecewise work. Then I came back to the apartment. I had planned on doing laundry tonight, but a few of the REU students talked about going to TGIF's. I had already eaten, but I wanted to get out, so I drank a few beers and ate some mac and cheese. After dinner, most people wanted to go see a movie, but Stephanie, Vicky, and myself did not. Trey drove us back to the apartment and then drove back to the theater. I didn't want to stay up late because yoga is at 1030 tomorrow morning, and I want to get some cardio in beforehand.

UCF: Day 52

2009-07-09T20:01:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Today has been a slow day. I spent most of the morning re-working experiments that I conducted yesterday, and the afternoon I spent making some corrections to documents that I have already typed up for the paper. I have finally come to nearly fully understanding what my research is about this summer, and sadly, the REU is nearing to an end. It is unfortunate that it has taken me this long to comprehend. I struggled previously with feeling like I contributed to the team, but today made a big difference.

Dr. Tamasan bought my lunch today at the Student Union. He really is the nicest adviser I could ask for. Cardio and yoga tonight!

UCF: Day 51

2009-07-09T19:59:00.001-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments, Building 69, Room 213

Nothing really exciting happened today except that John and I finally made it to the 4th Season of Star Trek. Seven of Nine is finally on board Voyager.

UCF: Day 50

2009-07-08T11:51:00.000-07:00

Location: patio outside Student Union

Not many days left at UCF. Crunch time is setting in. I have been working longer days, and results are looking okay, though not perfectly acceptable. I'm not sure if we are going to come to a conclusion before I have to begin writing my paper and making the poster to present. I wrote my abstract tonight and sent it to Dr. Tamasan. Hopefully, he will look over it and give me some insight. I could only get 72 words in it. Perhaps that is enough.

I haven't felt like doing much of anything with my free time. I considered going to the gym today, but I watched Star Trek instead. I may try to go to the gym tomorrow. I need to work out some more.

UCF: Day 49

2009-07-07T06:57:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Today was a busy and productive day. I spent the morning double checking a theory for the piecewise continuous refraction polynomial. Then I went to a lecture for a few hours, and afterward, I began to debug the Van program I wrote to calculate the Vandermonde matrix for our piecewise continuous matrices so that we can recover the refraction polynomial. I worked until 7pm and then I went to the gym for a couple of hours for cardio and yoga.

Not a bad day. The roommates are talking about going to Disney World this weekend.

UCF: Day 48

2009-07-05T19:54:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

I stayed up late last night so I woke up late. I didn't get started on my work until around 2 pm. and I worked until about 7 pm. It wasn't so bad. After that Melissa and I went for ice cream at Maggie Moo's and then we all (minus Stephanie) went to the grocery store. Then I came back and watched The Cable Guy with John.

UCF: Day 47

2009-07-04T20:20:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Today is the 4th of July. Costas threw an organic BBQ. He made homemade fries, veggie salad with olives, onions, peppers, tomatoes, and oil, homemade bread, cheese, rice wrapped in grapes leaves that had been cooked in vinegar. He served organic lemonade, limeade, and strawberry lemonade. He also cooked meat on the grill, although I didn't eat any. For dessert, he had made baklava with which he served organic mint chocolate and chocolate ice cream. I ate so much in the course of 4 hours I didn't think I would eat the rest of the day. All of the thoughts we had of Costas before this day were not pleasant, but his gesture of cooking for us on a holiday made up for all of his previous actions.

We left Costas' house and rested at the apartment for a while. Later on, we decided to go to downtown Orlando to see the fireworks. It was beautiful. We stood among skyscrapers no more than 10 stories tall, and we noticed the fireworks gave a reflection off the buildings. I had hoped that after the fireworks we would walk to a bar, but some of the others wanted to go back to the apartments so we left. The others then decided to watch Dr. Strangelove. I decided to listen to Harry Potter. =)

UCF: Day 46

2009-07-03T22:43:00.001-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Laziness. That's what today was. I didn't do much of anything. I didn't FEEL like doing much of anything. I listened to the 6th Harry Potter book most of the morning, then went to the laundry facility for the weekly load. Afterward, I came back for lunch and watched Harry Potter 3 and took a nap. I woke up and rode my bike over to Moe's for dinner. I was supposed to go to I-bar tonight, but Laura's friends bailed on her. The other REU students were trying to get a plan together to go out, and they decided to go to a Thai restaurant and then out to some bar where 18 and up were allowed since we had underage babies with us. I didn't find out until after dinner that the REU group had decided to go to I-bar, and I called Laura to invite her. She was already at her parents house for the holiday and said she would not come. I felt bad.

We made it to the bar okay... found parking, but one of the babies didn't have an ID... only a student ID with a birthdate on it and the bouncer would not accept it. So we left and decided to hit up a bar near the campus. Instead of taking back the way we came, Mel said we should take the highway because she knew where we were. After a while, I could feel that we were not going the right direction... I repeatedly stated that something didn't feel right. I was right. We were about 30 miles outside of Daytona Beach before we turned around. By the time we got back, the local bars would close in an hour. I still wanted to go out, but getting others to go out was like pulling teeth. I just wanted to have a beer... one freaking beer. I forgot how difficult it is to go out with people that are not old enough to drink. When I was their age, I was just left behind. Yep, one day you'll be there. Wait your turn. But Mel kept wanting to include everyone. I was so tired and fed up from getting lost, I just decided to go back to my apartment to watch Star Trek. That's the one thing I know would make me feel better about the whole mess of a night.

UCF: Day 45

2009-07-02T20:20:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Dr. Tamasan reviewed some new ideas with me today and asked me to type them in LaTex. I also worked towards programming the new matrices into Matlab. Johan and I tried to test them, but we weren't recovering the data very well. We are going to work on it again tomorrow.

Other than that, I went to the gym for cardio and yoga and enjoyed myself.

UCF: Day 44

2009-07-01T20:42:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Today was a lame day. I didn't do anything. Honestly, I met with Dr. Tamasan and Johan for about an hour and Dr. Tamasan said he wanted to meet this afternoon, but he never came. Lame.

I took a nap and then watched a little Harry Potter. Now onto Star Trek.

UCF: Day 43

2009-06-30T19:12:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Costas asked us to meet again today to give 5 minute talks on our progression in our research. I didn't prepare. I didn't think I had to. In fact, I was quite nervous when I gave my talk today because I was coming up with all the info off the top of my head, but I gave him enough information to satisfy him. The one question I couldn't answer was how much longer it would take us to complete the project and where our project would end. Apparently, we are supposed to turn in an abstract in less than two weeks, and I haven't even finished all of the research yet. Dr. Tamasan said he didn't want to meet today, but I wanted to find out what the end product would be. He opened his door, and said that he was "not here today." This was one of the few times that he's turned me away but I didn't feel that one question would be bothersome. Apparently, it was. He said we would meet tomorrow. I should have been a little more respectful I suppose. He has his own research.

This afternoon, I finished finding all my derivatives and began building my matrix. All in all it took me about 6-7 hours to do, and then Johan double-checked my work and said... "You know the easy way to do this, right?" I didn't want to hear that. He then showed me the easy way to do what I had poorly done and it only took an hour and a half. I could have died, but I am proud of the work I did. It made me suffer and then I was rewarded.

UCF: Day 42

2009-06-30T19:04:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

At today's REU meeting, Costas talked to us a little about what the difference is between Mathematical Physics and Physical Mathematics. To be honest, there isn't much. Both are heavy on the math these days. He reviewed the history of math and physics how they used to be used together, but then at one point, they diverged. It seems recently that the two have been converging back together. He said that he felt he should give us an introduction on what the REU is about because some of us didn't realize what we had applied for. For one, the REU is a theoretical REU. I have to admit I didn't think it was that kind of REU when I applied. But also, he said that this REU is one of the few theoretical REU's because not many people have interest in it so much because of the difficulty (requires a lot of knowledge of math and physics) and that NSF doesn't feel that theoretical REU's are worthwhile. This means that he has to continually prove that the this REU is worth something to the Physics community. That means lots of publish papers from the students. If that doesn't put pressure on your shoulders...

After the meeting, I met with Dr. Tamasan and Johan and I was given a new task for finding derivatives and forming a new matrix for our piecewise function we are looking for. After the meeting, Laura and I rode our bikes back together to the apartment, and she took me to the grocery store. When we got back from the store, we both went to the gym for cardio and yoga. By the time I got back to the apartment, it was 11 pm... and I still hadn't eaten dinner. It has been a long day, and I'm tired.

UCF: Day 41

2009-06-28T20:26:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

The roommates took a trip to Kennedy Space Center today, and since I went last weekend, I didn't feel like going again... besides I would have the apartment to myself all day long. I forgot what it was like to live alone. It's quite peaceful at times.

I didn't do too much today. I found a replacement tanktop online for the one that I left behind at the Radisson Hotel when John came to visit. I had planned on going shopping... riding the bike to Waterford Lakes, but it was about midday by the time I became mobile and I figured it was too hot by then. So I decided to go workout at the gym for a while.

I ran a mile on the treadmill and walked another and then came back and showered. John and I talked on skype for most of the afternoon, and then I rode my bike over to Moe's for lunch/dinner. I had a veggie taco with jalapenos, chips with queso, cookies, and a Mr. Pibb. I shivered in the AC while I ate, so afterward I sat outside with my soda refill and read a chapter in The Two Towers. It was pleasant in the shade.

It was then that I realized that I should have ridden the bike to Waterford Lakes. I checked the weather when I got back and found that the typical central Florida rain cloud was headed this way so I just stayed at the apartment. John and I watched Star Trek, and when I tried to lie down to take a nap my roommates came back and so sleep was not going to happen at that point. Then I watched a documentary called Taxi to the Dark Side on Netflix. That was pretty much my day.

UCF: Day 40

2009-06-27T22:18:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

I had a pretty filling day today. I woke up early and worked on some research. Later on in the morning, Peter knocked on our door and asked if we were ready to go to the Polasek museum. We stopped for coffee on the way and then met up with the others at the museum. The museum was much more interesting that the first one I went to. I think because it had a garden and was near water... I love the outdoors. I took a few pictures.

After we left the museum, Kevin, Peter, Ben, and I ate lunch at Tijuana Flats... It was good, but I feel it was a little overpriced. After Kevin dropped us off, I rode the bike over to the gym for yoga, and then I ran a mile on the treadmill. When I got back, I finished working on my research, and then I rode my bike to the reflecting pond on campus and read The Two Towers and napped for a while in the setting sun.

When I got back, Stephanie said that some of the other REU students had come by to see if I wanted to watch A Clockwork Orange. So I did. It was a strange and funny movie... and much different that I had originally imagined. When I came back to my apartment, my roommates were watching My Fair Lady on Stephanie's laptop. I went to my room and watched Jesus Camp. It's a creepy documentary about evangelical radicals brainwashing kids. It was weird.

But - now I am going to watch the last episode of Star Trek Voyage Season 2 with John. =D

UCF: Day 39

2009-06-26T20:57:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

My mom called me at 6:55 this morning. My father told her that I would be up. I wonder what ever gave him that idea. They called to ask me details about the beach trip we are going on in August. I answered politely and warned them that I was sleeping.

On top of that, I forgot to set my alarm so I slept late. I had a pretty crappy start to the day. Dr. Tamasan said he wouldn't be on campus today, and well, when I came in he and Johann were talking. I didn't really feel like getting into a deep conversation because I had a meeting in about 45 minutes, but he insisted. It was a drag. Then I went to the Friday REU meeting to sit through the rest of the lecture on a non-linear system of ODE's. It was interesting, but way over my head. Later on, I came back down, and Johann said that he could wrap up all the polynomial stuff. I tried to tell him that I would do some of it, but he acted like he wanted to do it. I was a little disappointed that I didn't have any ground in the work and I'm tired of having everything handed to me. I don't feel like I'm learning how to use Matlab because everyone keeps telling me how to do it. I feel like I need to suffer. I guess Johann could see the disappointment in my face about how hard of a time I was having, and he offered the help. At first, I didn't want it. I wanted to learn myself, but he was leaving soon, and I knew if I didn't take his help that I would regret it later. So we reviewed what we needed to do, and then we packed up.

I didn't do much the rest of the day except watch movies on Netflix because it was pouring down rain. I did find time in between to do laundry. I guess I could have made out the guest list for the wedding. John has already sent his to me.

UCF: Day 38

2009-06-25T18:53:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

I received my new watch today. The other one died in the ocean when John and I went to Cocoa Beach. My old watch was supposedly water resistant for up to 50 meters, but apparently not.

I worked harder today than I have any other day before, and I had a lot of results show me what I needed to see. I have a list to work on tomorrow to wrap up our work with using a polynomial as a model of the refraction of sound waves within the earth. I hope Johan comes in early tomorrow so we can get started.

The one day I didn't take my lunch to the Math Cafe I got rained on. Around high time for storms to come through at UCF (which hadn't occurred in the past week or so), I decided to take my lunch break and walked over to the student union. About half way there it started to come down... so I ran underneath a tree next to another student. She complained horribly about the rain, and I just mentioned that I should have ran all the way since it started to come down even harder. Eventually it slacked a little, and I ran the rest of the way. I ate lunch at the student union, hoping it would be over by the time I finished, but I had too much faith. I waited a few minutes until it died down again, and then I ran the entire way back to the MAP building. I was soaked. I ran through a huge puddle on my way back, and the rain had made a mysterious stain on my brand new shorts multiply. I was a mess. I immediately took off my socks and shoes after what happened the last time my feet were soaked (trenchfoot) and I shivered in the AC until I was almost dry. My socks never fully dried before I left, but I wore them back to my apartment and then took them off again.

I am still upset about my shorts.

UCF: Day 37

2009-06-24T20:40:00.001-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

The cleaning lady yesterday showed me a huge puddle in the kitchen area that I hadn't seen previously. She said that if the water comes back we should call it in. The water came back, and two-fold... It's migrating down the hall way. It's a water mine field. I can't walk around bare foot or in socks anymore. There's something wrong with the air conditioner, I think.

I spent most of the morning trying to figure out a program, only to find out that there was something wrong in it. When Dr. Tamasan was finished giving the exams in both of his classes he gave me the correct file, and voila! it worked. I was a little upset that I wasted so much time, but hey, what else could I do? The rest of the time I tried to keep myself from getting distracted by the other people in the Math Cafe. I needed to produce some kind of work today.

Other than that, the highlight of my day was getting a phone call from the cashier's office saying that they had my first check for me. I've been trying to get paid for two weeks now. I can't belive it took them this long.

UCF: Day 36

2009-06-23T19:40:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

The day didn't start out too bad. I analyzed some data in Matlab, and then Dr. Tamasan and met for about 5 hours. At one time, we took a "break" by going to the coffee shop by the book store, but we still discussed the project. By about 5 pm, my brain was beginning to become dysfunctional... I could feel it slipping away. Nevertheless, we trudged on until 6 pm. Dr. T brought me his bike pump today so I could pump up the tires on the bike, and just in the nick of time too... They were starting to get low.

After jogging my mind for so long today, I planned on doing nothing having to do with the project for the rest of the day. I went to the gym, did cardio for a half hour, rested for 15, and then did yoga. I am a firm believer that yoga is a time for you to focus on yourself, relieve stress, and learn to breathe and relax. There is this guy that always shows up for Marcelo's classes and today he decided to be one of those people who feels like they have to say something about everything when no one really wants to know. In the beginning of class, he told everyone in the class how to place their mats in a specific pattern as if he were the instructor. He didn't say it in way as to be polite... It was more like an instruction. Then in the middle of our practice, our instructor says the wrong number by accident for a pose, and the guy corrects him... in the middle of utter silence when I am trying to focus. But that didn't top it off... He had to say one more thing. After we all said our goodbye (namaste), our instructor asked us to roll up our mats and place them in their respective places. And what do you know, the guy had to have a comeback. I am positive everyone understood what our instructor was trying to say when he asked us to put up the mats, but this guy had to be a smart ass and say that we shouldn't roll them up because all the others are flat and that rolling them up would make a big mess. I really wanted to slap the guy for being a pain in the ass for this yoga class. The best part was that the yoga instructor just ignored him and went on his merry way. I wish that guy would just find another class to go to. He's annoying.

UCF: Day 35

2009-06-22T19:09:00.001-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

I had a difficult time getting out of bed this morning. I stayed up late talking to John on our cell phones to make sure he got back to Atlanta safe. I went in late this morning, but there wasn't much I could do anyways since I had already completed the tasks that were given to me.

I had another REU meeting today and Costas gave us the third degree because we "didn't" show up to the museum on Saturday. Apparently, there was confusion about which museum we were supposed to go to. He had one on the schedule and he mentioned another in the meeting. Everyone (but me) went to the one on the schedule while Costas went to the one he said in the meeting. He was so upset that he wouldn't even acknowledge much of what the others said happened... just telling us that we were irresponsible because we didn't show up or on time. His punishment for us is that we have to go to both museums this Saturday and give a 5 minute presentation on our projects next Tuesday. After that agony, we had a lecture on solving a system of non-linear ODE's.

After the meeting, I met with Dr. Tamasan to discuss some of the results that Johan and I had found since our last meeting, and I was assigned more on the project. I completed most of what he asked for by the time he left, but some I still need to complete.

There was a social gathering at the Lake Claire Community Center today called Fiesta Time. It was fun. Melissa, Vicky, and I went and ate tacos and chips and salsa. We saw Wyatt (another REU student) walking down the sidewalk and Melissa told him about the free food and soda. We talked about the burns we received earlier in the REU meeting, and then I left to finish watching 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Now I am going to finish the work I didn't get to complete earlier... and if there's time maybe read some more in The Two Towers.

UCF: Day 34

2009-06-21T17:15:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Yesterday was the best day in a long time, and today was the saddest. It was very difficult for me to not feel sad about John's leaving, but I knew I had to be strong for him. It hurts when I see him cry.

We woke up early but spent the morning in bed just snuggling with each other because neither of us wanted to let go. When we did finally get up and moving we checked out and rode to Target to get John some swimming trunks and ourselves a pair of beach towels. We ate a very late breakfast at Waffle House and then drove to Cocoa Beach. The drive was only about an hour.

The hour ride was definitely worth it. Most of the day was overcast, but we did get a little sun burn on our shoulders and faces even though we had SPF 50 sunblock on. John and I stayed and played in the water for a few hours and then left to come back to my apartment. We could both feel it in the car that neither of us wanted to part. We each showered at my apartment and then went out for our last meal together until August. We ate at Moe's... not John's favorite but mine. He really does know how to make me feel special.

UCF: Day 33

2009-06-21T17:00:00.001-07:00

Location: Radisson Hotel, room 604

John and I went to the Kennedy Space Center today. We had a blast. John knows his space history. We had a brief tour of the "Rocket Garden" and John answered so many questions that the tour guide gave him a photo of the launch of a Mercury rocket in which Alan Shepherd was the first US man in space. I was both impressed with his knowledge and proud to be with someone of intelligence. Someone jokingly made the comment that John and the tour guide should switch places. We visited a few museums at the Visitor Complex and then we toured some of the facilities. We had to take a tour bus. We saw from a distance Cape Canaveral and Launch Pads A & B. We saw from the tour bus the vehicle assembly building (VAB) and crawler which are used to build and transport the rockets to the launch pads. The volume of the VAB is 3.75 times that of the Empire State Building's volume. It's massive. We toured a museum dedicated to the Saturn V rocket and the Apollo 11 mission, which was the mission that the first men walked on the moon. We toured a museum for the International Space Station as well. By the time we returned to the Visitor's Complex we were beat. We didn't even have enough energy to watch an IMAX show which was included in our admission.

Oh and speaking of admission... John and I got a great deal on our tickets. Because I have a UCF REU Student ID I was able to buy our tickets at half price so we only had to pay $20 each.

We took a lot of wonderful pictures today. When we got back I posted the photos on facebook and then we went to dinner at Mellow Mushroom. After dinner, John and I drank a bottle of Gallo Family: Twin Valley Pinot Noir while playing Carcassone. It was one of the best times I've had since I've been in Florida. I didn't want the day to end, but it had to.

UCF: Day 32

2009-06-21T16:42:00.000-07:00

Location: Radisson Hotel, room 604

The talk on the non-linear schrodinger equation has finally come to an end. I can't say whether or not I'm happy or sad for the ending. The talk was most definitely interesting, but in what little time we had to "learn" about it, it didn't really seem worth it. It was more like "Look at all this pretty math that I don't have time to show you what it all means."

The highlight of this day is that John came to visit me for the weekend. I booked a hotel room for us at the Radisson a few miles down the road. Well I say I booked, but really John did - I just gave him my card number. When we went to the front desk to check-in, the receptionist said that our reservation was for July 17 and not June 19. So I called Expedia to find out what happened with the reservation. I didn't have my itinerary number because I've never had to use it before so the representative tried to look it up by e-mail. While I was on the phone with customer service, John decided to use the business center to get look-up the reservation online. At the same time, we both ran for the front desk. The room had been reserved in his name, but we both thought it would be in mine since we used my card. The receptionist assumed we were married, and a person by the name of Albert Autry had made a reservation on July 17. John and I were both relieved that we still had the hotel reservation for this weekend.

After we got settled in the room, we found a T-mobile store so he could buy a phone charger. Then we ate dinner at California Pizza Kitchen and walked over to the Regal Cinema to watch Year 1. It was great to spend time with him.

UCF: Day 31

2009-06-18T20:35:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments, Building 69

7:30 am My dad calls and wakes me up to ask me about a family vacation in August after I return from Orlando.

8:00 am I roll out of bed, groggy.

8:10 am I shower.

8:45 am I eat.

9:15 am I brush my teeth.

9:30 am I leave for the MAP building.

10:00 am I struggle with solving an ODE in Matlab.

1:30 pm I assist Johan in carrying pizza back from the Gauss meeting and snack on some.

2:00 pm Dr. Tamasan helps me solve the treacherous ODE in Matlab.

3:00 pm Dr. Tamasan, Johan, and myself discuss the proof of the least square problem and our next set of goals.

5:30 pm I rework a Matlab program that I wrote to calculate a matrix that represents the coefficients of an nth degree refraction polynomial.

6:30 pm I leave the MAP building.

7:00 pm I go to the laundry facility to start laundry and type up the least square proof in LaTeX during the washing and drying processes.

9:00 pm I leave the laundry facility and go to my apartment.

9:05 pm I geek the internet and work in LaTeX until John comes online.

9:30 pm I realize I typed too much of the wrong thing in LaTeX. Ugh.

10:00 pm John comes online.

11:15 pm I wash my face and brush my teeth.

11:45 pm John and I attempt to watch Star Trek Voyager.

All in a day's work.

UCF: Day 30

2009-06-17T21:09:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Hit another rut at UCF, but I'm slowly coming out of it. Other REU students got paid last week, but I didn't. BOA first told me it would take 3-4 business days to post... then I called the REU coordinator when it didn't post on the 4th day. The post date changed on the payroll view and still I hadn't received the deposit. I later found out that BOA put the wrong routing number on my verification letter and when UCF tried to deposit the money, BOA didn't recognize the information and so UCF mailed a check to my address in GA... a lot of good that does. So I had to get another verification letter from my bank with the correct routing number. I will get paid on June 22nd, and if I get paid every two weeks I should be expecting another check 2 or 3 days later. Oh, boy.

Johan and I made some progress today when working with the inverse problem. We have figured out how to model the refraction of the pressure wave in the earth due to a change in the medium. It's quite exciting. Where we go next - Dr. Tamasan will talk about tomorrow.

Other than that, Maria invited me over to share some homemade macaroni and cheese she made. It was yummy and had squash in it. I've never had that before. We talked for a short while, and then I came back to my apartment and looked for a new desktop on APOD. I always get caught up in looking at the pictures. They are just so majestic.

P.S. John will be here in less than two days for a visit. Exciting.

UCF: Day 29

2009-06-16T19:32:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Well today wasn't so bad. Dr. Tamasan came in to check on what Johan and I were working on, and he told me that I didn't have to pursue the seemingly never-ending extensive algebra I've been working on for the past week. He told me to wrap it up and start working on something else. He told me to type them up for my own notes. So I did. Later on in the afternoon, he came back and said I don't want you spending so much time typing it up. It's not that important because we are not going that direction, but I had already started and I didn't feel like quitting a project in the middle. So I ate lunch, and after lunch I continued typing up my work to wrap it up. He comes back to see what we're working on and he catches me still typing in LaTex. Luckily, I had just finished, but I was in the process of trying to clean up some errors so I could get it into pdf format. He gave me the speech again about how he wanted me to work on what Johan is working on, and I listened. After he left, I cleaned it up and started on what he asked me to. I just have trouble quitting a project in the middle.

Johan's piece involves the Runge Kutta method, and well since I'm not familiar with it, I decided to go the library and find some literature to give me some knowledge. I got my ID card yesterday so I was ready to check out some books. I nearly had another problem come my way when I was ready to check out. Luckily, the guy felt my pain after hearing me explain to another REU student all the troubles I've had since I arrived and took care of the problem. I now have two books on numerical analysis. Right on.

A massive storm moved in tonight when I was getting ready to leave for the gym for cardio and yoga, and it poured. I didn't think I was going to get to go. Maria sent me some links to some videos to do indoor walking and kickboxing, etc. I haven't had a chance to look at them. I made it to the gym. The rain died off a little, and I ran half way to the gym and then walked the rest of the way. I ran a mile on the treadmill and then hopped downstairs to the yoga class. I was still beading sweat when I sat on the yoga mat. I'm just glad I got to go.

And now for Star Trek...

UCF: Day 28

2009-06-15T20:49:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Today we continued our talk on the non-linear schrodinger equation. Afterward, Johan I met with Dr. Tamasan. Johan is leaving for Miami for a week on Saturday, and Dr. Tamasan said we aren't meeting for another two weeks. I'm not sure how I feel about that. He gave me some work that should hold me over for a while, but I don't know if it will last that long. I have nearly completed one of the tasks. I am waiting on Johan to give me the data I need. Other than that, I have a few things to type up in LaTeX and some problem solving to work on. The problem solving - that's what I'm worried about. It's a really ugly problem that has me all worked up.

UCF: Day 27

2009-06-14T19:58:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Not much went on today. I spent a good deal of the day in the library working on some substantial problems... and the rest of the day I watched movies on netflix. So not completely wasted.

UCF: Day 26

2009-06-13T23:01:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

The REU group went to a museum today at Rollins College. It was a very small museum, but there was some interesting art. There was a section of delftware, which is blue and white Dutch pottery. Someone who owned a lot of delftware donated quite a few pieces. The rest of the museum had modern art, pop art, and art from the 18th and 19th century. The pop art was an Andy Warhol exhibit. The largest exhibit was called "Portrait of a Lady." The most beautiful portrait of a lady was one of Anna Pavlova, a Russian ballerina from the early 20th century.

After the trip to the museum I did cardio for a little over an hour at the gym and then went to a yoga class. I was starving by the time I got back. I ate a good meal, and then fell asleep. I was that tired. I spent the rest of the evening melting my brain with movies. I watched an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit since John said the show was "amazing," but I couldn't bring myself to watch another. I did, however, watch a movie from the 80's today that I had never seen: The Terminator. I have to say that movie is one of the best science fiction movies I've ever seen.

UCF: Day 25

2009-06-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

It's Friday, and we had one of our bi-weekly meetings today. Dr. Tovbis talked about applying the Abel transform to the non-linear schrodinger equation. It was deep, deep math, but at the same time, it was very intriguing. Tomorrow the group is going to a museum. I wasn't going to go because we have to pay ourselves... but today Costas said that we would be reimbursed for the money we spend at the museums. He would tack on another $30 to cover the museum fees... and $30 more for those who drive. I thought that was nice, but I don't have a car so...

I didn't do much other than that today. I was feeling a little down earlier and I didn't feel like being around anyone, but I felt a little better after I finished my laundry. It must have been the smell of hot clothes from the dryer. I have clean sheets. Ah! After laundry, I went out with 5 other REU students to go see Land of the Lost, and it was freaking hilarious! I haven't laughed that hard a comedy movie in a long time, and it was most definitely worth it!

UCF: Day 24

2009-06-11T20:14:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Well, after a long day yesterday of algebraic calculations, today was filled with them as well. I need to find an easier way to find the constants that I'm looking for. At this rate, I will be using an entire pack of paper and doing nothing else for the rest of my summer here at UCF. That would be dull and boring. Plus I am risking making some mundane mistake in my calculations and that would be quite tragic since this is for the project I am working on this summer. Oh what to do. I have been working all day, and now I am ready to watch Star Trek with John.

On another note, I tried to socialize with two other REU students who don't live with me. It wasn't as fulfilling as I thought it would be, and although we had conversations, I don't feel as if they wanted to be my friend. That makes me a little sad because I don't want to just socialize with my roommates. I see them everyday.

UCF: Day 23

2009-06-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Today has been a pleasant day. I struggled a little with expanding functions into a series and I acquired a little assistance from Johan and Dr. Tamasan. Dr. Tamasan invited me to have coffee at the Barnes & Noble/Bookstore today. It was nice to meet outside of his office. Sometimes it gets a little cramped in there with all 3 of us, but today it was just him and me.

I worked the afternoon away in the Math Cafe working through expanding functions and multiplying them to the point to which I had functions that were at least 20 terms long. It was ridiculous. I have 8 pages of math work, and someone told me when I was about 2/3 of the way through that I could have used a program called Mathematica to do all of the algebra for me. Great. I think Dr. Tamasan gave me busy work, but to be honest, I'm enjoying it. I'm having fun with it.

I stayed in the Math Cafe until 8:30 pm with Laura tonight. We watched parodies of music videos and laughed so hard that our abs were hurting from the yoga we did last night. It was nice to laugh even though it hurt. I'm glad I'm getting a workout. No pain, no gain!

UCF: Day 22

2009-06-09T19:44:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Today has been a successful day. I gave Dr. Tamasan my analysis of our work thus far, and when he saw that I had double-checked the math and typed it in LaTeX he was quite happy with my work. I actually felt like I was contributing something. However, during our meeting today we found out that our math was somewhat wrong in regards to the limit of one of the functions, and well all the math after that is now garbage. So we spent the meeting time reviewing how we should next approach the problem. My new task is to evaluate an equation by writing it as an expansion up to 4 terms, and well... let's just say I haven't been blessed in the series department. This is going to take work.

Other than that, I burned around 200 calories today. I walked half a mile and jogged a full mile on the treadmill... It's been a while since I've been able to run a mile without stopping. I was quite pleased with my performance. After cardio, Maria, Laura, and myself walked down to the yoga classroom. It was more a workout than last Tuesday which is good. We did a lot of ab crunches so I know I'll be feeling it soon.

UCF: Day 21

2009-06-08T19:51:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Well, I nearly felt like an idiot today when 4 of 6 presenters showed up with power point presentations... while I was 1 of the 2 with a chalkboard presentation. Yes, it is old school, but seriously for what I needed to demonstrate, power point wouldn't help much. I was the last to present, and while I waited for my turn, my palms sweated profusely. I was constantly airing them out or wiping them on my shorts. I was so nervous that I couldn't even finish my lunch just prior. However, I survived Costas' 3rd degree, and even funnier, when I met Dr. Tamasan afterward I told him that I survived the 3rd degree, and he asked what I meant by that. I guess being a non-native he is not up to par with our slang. It was interesting to explain such an expression.

After Johan and I met with Dr. Tamasan, I reworked the new strategy we have for very small values of s, and I spent the rest of the evening typing the work into LaTeX. I literally just finished. Dr. Tamasan gave me new paper to write the equations on, but I don't think he was expecting me to type it in LaTeX. I hope he is surprised when I show it to him tomorrow. It is so fun learning to use LaTeX!

UCF: Day 20

2009-06-07T19:22:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

I woke up drenched in sweat this morning. Since I added the mattress pad, I put the fleece back on top of my sheets, and man, was I hot! It's coming back off.

I procrastinated again for the first half of the day... About mid-afternoon, I rode to the library to work on my presentation for tomorrow. When I got there, all I could think about was how I was having a difficult time studying because I couldn't properly listen to music. I ordered headphones about a week and half ago, and I had them mailed to John first so he could mail them to me. They are supposed to arrive tomorrow, but I realized the other day while I was at the gym with Maria that I can't wear the over-the-ear headphones that I bought while exercising. So there I was, not being able to concentrate because I had only one ear bud working.

I left the library because TWC told me that it wouldn't be raining until 7 pm and it was 4 pm. That would be plenty of time to ride to SuperTarget and back. I walked out the front door, and to my surprise, it was raining, and a huge cloud was over me. *Sigh* I didn't walk back into the library because I knew I would feel stupid for just leaving so I rode to the apartment. I didn't know how long it would rain. I got back and chatted with some REU students outside for a few and then made my way up to the second floor apartment and chatted with my roommates for a few. I really wanted to study, but I just can't do that in my room. I get distracted.

Melissa offered to drive me over to the library or to study at the new Physics building where she was heading. When we left, the rain had stopped. We both decided we would walk to our destination. I took the bike to ride back from the library. I got to the library and did the same thing again. Only this time when I left, it wasn't raining. I rode all the way to SuperTarget and back. It was about an hour total trip. Not bad and I had my backpack the entire time so I got a good workout. It's 4.5 miles to SuperTarger from where I am. I rode back and went directly to the library to study, and I did study this time.

I feel about as prepared as I'm going to get for this thing, and well I hope I remember it all for tomorrow... and that Costas won't give me the 3rd degree when questioning me.

UCF: Day 19

2009-06-06T21:02:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

I couldn't sleep this morning because of some pain I was experiencing so I just laid in bed till nearly 1 pm today watching CSI. I have finally caught up on CSI.

I worked out at the gym for about 2 hours today. I did 1 hour of cardio and then an hour of yoga. I came back and ate the biggest meal I've eaten since I arrived.

After that, my roommates and I did some grocery shopping and I went to Target to get a mattress pad so I can cover up with my fleece blanket instead of rely on it as mattress comforter.

UCF: Day 18

2009-06-05T22:26:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

After staying up late last night, I slept in this morning and watched a video before heading to the Friday REU meeting. This one was about diversity. It was an eye-opening experience, though there was someone who asked some judgmental questions about the program, and I took offense to it even though they weren't directed to me. They could have been a little more open-minded about the program. I find myself shaking my head at moments like these.

Other than that I came back early to the apartment because I didn't feel well, and since John was home, too, we watched Star Trek. I fell asleep on him again, but I felt much better when I woke up. Later on Melissa asked if I wanted to go get ice cream at Maggie Moo's. All 4 of us ended up going. It was a nice walk there and back, and the conversation was good as always. Our main topic was Girl Scouts. Stephanie never had the opportunity to join this organization, but the rest of us had.

UCF: Day 17

2009-06-04T21:34:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

I spent most of the day in the Math Cafe trying to come to terms with the presentation I have to give on Monday. I think I have it down for the most part. I heard that Costas likes to ask questions in the middle of the presentation. That has me a little worried. Other than that, I was invited to meet a few people at Tail Gators, which is a bar here on campus near the UCF arena. I invited Melissa so I wouldn't feel like a complete odd ball. I had a great time, though there was one point where I think I might have embarrassed Melissa and I feel bad about it. She doesn't seemed phased about it so I'm glad that we both had a good time. I could tell by the time we got back that we were totally wasted, but we walked back to the apartment so ... no worries. I'm really glad that I am making friends easily here. Before I came, I was really worried.

I usually watch Star Trek with John around the same time that I went to watch the basketball game at the bar tonight, and I have to say that I felt a little guilty. I felt guilty because I didn't tell him I was going and I felt guilty because we weren't spending our "quality time" together. Our "quality time" being watching Star Trek together and discussing it. I hope he realizes that I didn't call him while he was busy at his BBQ for his REU with Emory because I didn't want to bother him. I wanted to respect his space. I really do miss him, and I realized today that I thoroughly enjoy what little time we spend together online each day.

Oh, and I realized today that I'm really modest around my roommates. I may wear a tank top to bed, but if I have to leave my room to use the bathroom, I throw on a tee-shirt over top the tank. It's weird.

UCF: Day 16

2009-06-03T19:41:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

So today I realized that sometimes I over-complicate things. About a week and a half ago, I no longer was able to connect to any wireless network. I couldn't find one in my apartment or in the MAP building. This was quite unnerving. I had to keep connected by ethernet cord always... and even when I tried one of the ports in the Math Cafe in the MAP building I still could not get online. In hindsight, that port is a bad port. Well, at the suggestion of a colleague I walked over to the PC Service desk behind the MAP building. Before I noticed their pricing, the front desk guy was already taking a look at my PC. He spent about 20 minutes trying to figure out what was wrong and eventually called someone else over. While he was meddling for the 20 minutes, I noticed their pricing... the lowest was $49.95 and that was just for a diagnostic ("no work," it stated.) I bit my lower lip. I didn't want to have to pay that much. When the second guy came over he fixed it in under a minute. What was the solution? Simply that I had disconnected myself from all wireless networks by the touch of a button. I had by mere chance struck the button by accident, probably in the dark while watching CSI or Star Trek with John. Yes, it was that simple, and lucky for me I wasn't charged. It was a great laugh to share.

I tried to get my UCF student ID today and the bureaucracy of UCF still hasn't gotten me in the system. I figure I'll just wait it out for a few more days. It's already been over 2 weeks. How much longer could it take? After that episode, Dr. Tamasan and I talked about what I should present next Monday to the other REU students. He even wrote down what I should talk about, though not in great detail. The man can't do everything for me! I worked some more in the Math Cafe before going back the apartment. Maria Boak asked me to go do cardio with her at the gym so I worked out for about an hour and then came home to eat and shower. The downer of the day was that I tried to give blood today and was once again denied because I was one point below the required iron level. It was disappointing, but it has been a busy day, and now I am ready to watch Star Trek with the one I love.

UCF: Day 15

2009-06-03T05:55:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

It seems my location may never change by this point. For one reason, I can't seem to pick up a wireless connection anywhere, but other people can. I've tried updated my WLAN driver and that didn't help either. I suppose I am bound to the internet the old fashion way...by ethernet cord.

Yesterday was a slow day. I didn't do much other than try to solve some second order differential equations with constant coefficients, fight the masses of incoming freshman students here for orientation at the student union for lunch, and have another group meeting about our next attempt to find a viable method to model the acoustic frequency in layered media. We've tried analyzing it from the infinity end and we didn't get good numerical results... so now we are trying it from the zero end. Oh I did one more thing, I took one more step towards trying to lose weight. I paid for a membership to the UCF gym. A couple of girls in the Gauss REU asked me to join them for yoga and since I rarely get to do yoga and did not pass it up. The class was fairly simple. I felt it then and I feel it now because I feel no pain. =D

UCF: Day 14

2009-06-01T16:24:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Costas gave a lecture on LaTex today. It was very brief and he rushed through it, mainly because he had to lecture a class at 2 pm. After the REU group meeting, I met Dr. Tamasan and Johan in Dr. Tamasan's office. By the looks of them when I entered, they had been working for a while. They carried on a conversation with which I tried to pick up bits and pieces but lost because I wasn't there for the beginning. Dr. Tamasan gave us both assignments. Now I am to analyze a second order differential equation and come up with solutions... while still working on the Matlab programming. I wrote down exactly what I should be doing, but now that I've sat down to do it, I'm completely lost. I'm beginning to fear that I'm not doing as well as I should be.

After meeting with Johan and Dr. Tamasan, I worked in the Math Cafe for a bit and headed back to the apartment around 5 pm. Maria Boak was walking back so I asked her if I could join her. She told me about how she was doing yoga on Saturdays at the gym, and I asked her if I could join. I need to get a pass for the gym before I can go. I e-mailed the guy that sent me the form. I don't know whom I should give it to.

Other than that, I made myself curried lentils with rice for dinner and I plan to watch a little Star Trek Voyager later with John.

UCF: Day 13

2009-05-31T19:20:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

The first part of today started out really slow. The past couple of days had some action so I didn't feel like doing much today. I woke up around 9 am, but I stayed in bed till nearly 2pm watching movies and CSI. It was John who eventually motivated me to get out of bed, though he probably didn't know it at the time because I talked to him hours before hand. I decided that I should go for ice cream.

I looked up the closest ice cream parlors online, and I came across Maggie Moo's. Oddly, the website didn't have the hours listed and because today is Sunday I didn't really think that they would be open because #1 the campus is dead during the summer and #2 it's the weekend so most people who are taking summer classes would not be on campus. I rode my bike over to Maggie Moo's anyway which is not far and on campus. To my surprise, they had just opened up an hour before I came. The ice cream parlor is very similar to Cold Stone Creamery.

I took a book to read, but the ice cream parlor is located in a strip mall next to the UCF arena which was playing very loud rock music that could be heard throughout the area. So I took a bike ride instead to find a new place. After I crossed the rode from the UCF arena, I rode down the sidewalk next to the Memory Mall, a large flat lawn where people hangout, play soccer or frisbee, etc and I came across a pair of flamingos. I made the mistake earlier of turning down the idea of bringing my camera so I tried to take some pictures with my cell phone. Of course, they were crappy so since they were snacking on bugs in the ground I figured they would still be there by the time I got back with my camera. Unfortunately, they were not, but I did learn my lesson.

I rode my bike around the area looking for the flamingos, and I couldn't find them so I continued to look for a nice, quiet, shady area to read. I found myself at the reflecting pond. I rode up to a shading tree and laid down my bike and rest my head on my satchel and opened up The Two Towers. It was hot outside but much cooler under the tree and the water was so serene that I found myself mesmerized by it from time to time. After a while, John texted me and I sent him pictures - one of the fountain and one of me with the library behind me.

Once the mosquitoes decided to have me for dinner, I picked up my bike and rode back to the apartment. I made a new dinner dish that was completely experimental. It wasn't as good as I expected it to be, but it wasn't terrible either. I cooked lentils and red peppers and then cooked rice and added curry powder to it all. It's better than paying for a meal out. I made a small bowl of the meal so next time I will have to make more. It's hard to judge since I don't have a measuring cup besides the yogurt cup I use to guesstimate.

UCF: Day 12

2009-05-30T21:58:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Today seemed like a normal Saturday. We went to the movie theater. Vicky and Melissa watched Star Trek while Stephanie and I watched Angels and Demons. Angels and Demons wasn't as good as Star Trek, but as Stephanie said, "It was nice to see the artwork." The movie really opens your eyes to artwork in the Vatican City. After the movies, we all went to the grocery store. Grocery shopping would have been a lot easier if I had made a list, but it slipped my mind... more than once. Later on, I fell asleep to CSI and woke up around 8. Melissa and I ran some errands - mainly to go to Home Depot to get a boric acid ant killer since our house guests have nearly over-stayed their welcome for 2 weeks. We laid down the powder and I napped to more CSI. John texts me, and I wake up. It's 1 am.

UCF: Day 11

2009-05-30T06:22:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Costas gave a talk about a levitating top. The base was a magnet and the top was partially made of a magnet. We discussed the physics of how the top levitates. It was interesting, but the guy knows how to make a 10 minute conversation into 2 hours. After being at the meeting for a total of about 3 hours, I was sort of tired and nearly decided to go back to the apartment and sleep some more, but I went to the Math Cafe instead and introduced Stephanie. She said the last time she went that people acted like she wasn't supposed to be there. She's really shy like that. In the Math Cafe, Johan showed me results of great interest for the inverse problem that Dr. Tamasan, Johan, and I worked on. It feels like we're making some progress.

After working in the Math Cafe for a bit, I went back to the apartment and watched some more CSI: Season 9. Melissa said she wanted to go to see the Star Trek movie tonight, but I've already seen it twice, so I asked if I could go see something else... being Angels and Demons, a prequel to The Da Vinci Code. There weren't any movie times for those movies close together so we decided to go to a hookah bar instead and catch the flick tomorrow.

I can see the patio area from my bed through my window when the blinds are open. I had been watching people on the patio all evening and two guys from our REU had been there for a long time. When Melissa came to ask me about what we should do tonight and we settled on the hookah bar, I told her that we should ask them to join us since they had been sitting there for so long. There ended up being six of us total, and we had a great time. It was nice to get to know people outside of our apartment - literally. It's kinda weird having people you don't know come into your personal space, but if you get to know the people outside in a common public space, then it's much more comfortable when they do come for a visit.

UCF: Day 10

2009-05-28T17:59:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

With the assistance of Dr. Tamasan, I wrote my first Matlab program today without using one from the book. It was easier than I expected, but neither of our computers had enough brain power to do the calculation we requested of it. Dr. Tamasan said he would work on getting me access to a locked computer lab that has more high powered computers that I can use to do my calculations.

I received my first mail today. John sent me a package. In the package was lots of chocolate that miraculously had not melted, and a pot that had cooking oil and organic kernel corn within it. He sent me the popcorn so that I could have some for movies since I don't have a big enough pot or a microwave. I also received a letter from John that made me laugh and once again reinforce my love for him.

I don't feel as alone as I thought I would here and it's not because I have roommates. They spend most of their time locked in their rooms.

UCF: Day 9

2009-05-27T21:13:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Met with Johan and Dr. Tamasan today about upcoming Matlab work for the research. It seems that Johan is doing a lot of the Matlab work to make it easier for us. He's a math major at UCF who is working under the Gauss REU in the mathematics department. He's a nice guy, and he seems intuitive. I am shocked by his and everyone else's kindness. It's amazing how different it feels here than at GSU.

I rode my bike to the Goodwill today to buy a cookie sheet so I can bake stuff. I wasn't sure how far away it was, but it had to be at least 4 miles because the bike was ~20 minutes and that's how long it takes me to get from my house to John's house or vice versa... traffic lights and all. I bought a new set of unmatching silverware since one of my roommates has been walking off with my yogurt spoon, and the only "cookie sheet" I could find was a bake pan that was oval and had holes in it. They weren't big holes, but they would require covering. Luckily, Vicky bought some foil the other day. I made myself an organic cheese pizza pocket today for dinner. It was small, but it was nice to have OVEN HOT food for once.

Later on, Melissa, Stephanie, and I took our dirty laundry over to the facilities. I can't remember the last time I had to use public washing machines and dryers. It was convenient to do all of my laundry at one time and not have to do the laundry load by load, but I do miss having those special settings for my clothes. I fear that my clothes may shrink. I did shrink one of the hand towels that Dr. Tamasan's wife loaned me. Inevitable, I believe.

Other than that, there's nothing left to report. Signing off.

UCF: Day 8

2009-05-26T17:55:00.001-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

I woke up early today because I couldn't sleep. I still need to get one of those mattress pads for added comfort. Immediately after I woke up, I received a text from Katherine. She said that if I got her message she needed me to call Doug and let him know that she is stuck in mud on the road to the campsite. I tried to call him, but I got voicemail. I left a message. I hope she got out of her sticky situation.

On a midday's walk around campus, I received some free stuff. I got a frisbee, a water bottle, and a pen. Just in time for summer! The frisbee will be fun when it's not raining as much, and we can play in the courtyard right outside the apartments. I've been at home(the apartment) most of the afternoon and evening working the math in the paper that Dr. Tamasan gave me to read. I got stuck on a few, but I've worked my way through most of them. I'm thinking about calling it a day on the work and trying to watch an episode or two of CSI before I get too tired. I have tomorrow morning to figure it out some more.

Side note: I'm already beginning to call this place home. I must be getting comfortable.

UCF: Day 7

2009-05-25T21:09:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

We meet the other REU students today. We were fed pizza and soda and then given 9 books for math in physics. I found out today that I will have to talk about my research in about 2 weeks before my peers and the week before I leave I have to turn in a paper, make a poster to present, and present my results to my peers. I'm slightly nervous about the whole talking in front of a crowd thing. I never was good at it.

John told me some scary news that had a good ending. Apparently, Ana decided to go for a walk by herself today. I'm glad I wasn't there to see it, and I'm even more glad that he retrieved her. I worry how she may get loose one day and never return. That would lead to many sad days.

Other than that not much going on. It was just another Memorial Day.

UCF: Day 6

2009-05-24T20:51:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

I woke up this morning when I heard one of my roommates using the bathroom. I thought it was around 8 or 9 in the morning, but when I rolled over to check the time on my cell phone it was 11:30 am. I immediately jumped out of bed. I didn't want to sleep that late, but I guess I couldn't help it since I had a rough time getting to sleep last night.

Today wasn't too eventful. The first half of the day was sunny, for once, and Vicky and I walked to the local grocery store to buy some goods. I ate a good lunch and spent the afternoon working on the Laplace transforms some more. I finished all the work that Dr. Tamasan assigned to me in the text book. I wanted to work more on the Matlab programming, but I kept getting distracted today and ended up watching at least 6 episodes of CSI on Netflix. I have to admit, though: it provided a nice break in between.

I spoke to John's parents and his Aunt Ease today on Skype with video. John went to his parents' house for dinner, and he was online at one point during his visit. I actually felt like I was there while we talked. It was quite pleasant, though somewhere inside I felt a little pain because of what I was missing, but it wasn't enough to make me cry because I knew that I couldn't do anything about it. It was nice just to be able to hear and see familiar people.

Tomorrow I meet the others in the REU. The meeting is at noon. I hope they are feeding us.

UCF: Day 5

2009-05-23T06:41:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Last night was the best sleep I've had in a while. The mattress alone is unbearable, but I managed to figure out a way to make it slightly more comfortable. I folded my fleece blanket and buried it beneath my new fitted sheet. This let me sleep continuously through the night instead of waking up every 2 or 3 hours.

I took a bike ride this morning while the sun was out. I tried switching gears to a more difficult level but ended up at the lowest level. When I tried switching it back, the chain wouldn't move and stayed on the lowest level. Then the chain locked up, and I couldn't even pedal. I freaked. I thought I had just broken Dr. Tamasan's bike. So I stopped: What other choice did I have? I couldn't pedal. The pedals reared backwards. Ok. Then I pedaled forward. No problem. It was a fluke. I rode back to the apartment and manually moved the chain to the medium difficulty setting with a little help from Melissa.

After lying around my room all day, Melissa said she was taking a trek to some outlet malls and asked if I wanted to join. All four of us piled in her car and rode 30 minutes to the outlets downtown. I bought a couple of shirts and some shorts. Nothing else struck my fancy. Later on, we came back and the day ended with carrying out the recycling.

UCF: Day 4

2009-05-22T17:25:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

I studied more of the Laplace transform and practiced in Matlab some more today at the Math Cafe. There were some people there, and we had friendly conversations. I did happen to make an idiot of myself today. One of the guys mentioned that there was a "magic" game tonight, and I inquired about Magic the Gathering. His response was that he was referring to the Orlando Magic NBA team. DUR! Immediately following his comment, another guy commented, "Let me pull out my deck, right now," as he motioned his statement and laughed heartily. I laughed it off and remembered that I was in the Math Dept and not the Physics Dept where there are more dorks.

The girls and I met for lunch today... Kristina, Maria, Laura are from UCF, and Maria is from Tampa. Kristina and Maria are Math majors. I'm not sure about the other two. We had lunch at Chipotle, and I ate a good meal... better than I have since I arrived. After lunch, I returned to study and ended my work day with a bike ride back to the apartment in the rain. It hasn't stopped raining for more than an hour since I arrived.

I watched a couple of episodes of CSI: Season 7 to catch up and then had dinner at Chili's with my roommates. It was nice to have everyone together.

UCF: Day 3

2009-05-21T16:41:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments (Would I be anywhere else?)

I studied a little of the Laplace transform today before meeting Dr. Tamasan. When I was getting my gear together, I flipped out when I couldn't find the Matlab programming book that he checked out for me at the college library. Luckily, when I walked into his office, it was waiting for me on his file cabinet. Dr. Tamasan installed a student version of Matlab on my computer so that I can familiarize myself with the programming. He tested me on my knowledge of the Laplace transform while it was downloading.

My professor says we are not meeting tomorrow or Monday because of the Memorial Day holiday, but it's okay because I made some new friends in the Math Cafe. They have invited me to eat lunch with them tomorrow, and one of them has invited me to a party for tomorrow.

I'm still not eating as well as I should. Melissa took me to the store today so I could buy a bike lock for the bike that Dr. Tamasan loaned to me and some Odawalla. She said since I'm having trouble actually masticating that a smoothie would give me what I need. I had a glass of super food and made myself some Thai noodles. I feel tired. I think I will read a little of Oliver Twist to see if I feel better.

UCF: Day 2

2009-05-20T19:02:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

One of my roommates has a car and offered to drive us to the store to get food for the dorm. I also had to buy a new fitted sheet because the twin sheet I bought wasn't long enough. Apparently, dorm mattresses are extra long twin beds - something I never knew about. I was quite frustrated with my sheet because I couldn't figure out why it kept coming off until one of my roommates who lives in a dorm at their home college told me why. Dur-duh dur.
___________________

About my roommates:

Melissa - She's my age and a rising senior like me. She goes to Cornell University in Ithaca, NY. She drove here with her car.

Stephanie - She's maybe 19 or 20 years old and a rising sophomore at a small college in Boston. She is from Brooklyn, NY.

Vikki - She is from University of Maryland. She is original from upstate NJ. I believe she is the youngest of all of us because she is a rising freshman.

___________________

Meeting my adviser today made up for yesterday's fiasco. Dr. Tamasan took me to lunch today and loaned me his bike and some kitchen utensils so I don't have to buy anything. He actually drove me to his home to get what I needed and then dropped me back at my apartment. I have some assignments to work on, and I will be working on that tomorrow.

UCF: Day 1

2009-05-20T07:01:00.000-07:00

Location: Lake Claire Apartments

Huge campus! I thought I was supposed to check-in at the housing office so I had my cab driver drop me there. Boy, was I wrong! Lake Claire Apartments is on the opposite side of the campus. I trudge over halfway across the campus, over 50 lbs of luggage and all, in the rain when I came upon a police station. The admin was a grad student who tried to call a police officer over to drive me where I needed to be because I was really lost. Unfortunately, no police officer would be available for another hour. So she helped me carry my luggage the rest of the way... in the rain.

My arms are tired and the dorm looks barren even though I've unpacked all of my stuff. The wireless internet sucks, and I need to buy a cable. I think I will leave to get something to eat, buy an umbrella, and buy an ethernet cord.

Procastination...

2009-05-03T14:52:00.000-07:00

The semester is ending. Spring is in the air, and soon I will be leaving for Orlando. I have two weeks to pack in as much fun as possible with John before I'm shipped to do research at UCF.

Tomorrow is our last final. I've had plenty of time to study for it, only I haven't. It's funny how that goes. You get a little break between your finals, and you just cut loose as if the semester is already over. I scratched an itch (Oblivion) and it just keeps itching. I hear it calling my name sometimes, and I twitch when I don't play the game. Depressing, I know... to be so addicted to a video game. BUT I need to get an A on this final so I can keep my A in this class.

Off to studying...

I miss creativity.

2009-04-17T19:07:00.000-07:00

I miss painting. I haven't painted on a canvas since I moved in with Peter, and that was nearly a year ago. The supplies are hidden from my view, mainly because now I am living in a much more limiting space. Even if my desire were strong enough for me to paint, I wouldn't have the time to and that makes me sad.

I'm so bored I'm re-reading blog posts...

2009-04-11T19:33:00.000-07:00

I found this post and thought that it was such a magical moment to be remembered that I should re-share it:

"Coupled" 11-04-2008

"** As the train left the station, I peered out the
plexi-glass window upon downtown Atlanta, the city growing
smaller as we made our way towards the suburbs. I looked
upon Grady Memorial Hospital as it peaked above the smaller
buildings. Suddenly, he made a soft sigh, one of joy ...
not relief, and I smiled and turned my head to look at him.
I said, "Susan and Teman are having a baby!" He replied,
"That's what I was just thinking!" **

It's amazing how connected our thoughts are... John and I.
We both looked at Grady Memorial Hospital and recalled that
Susan works as a chaplain there. John had told me a few
days before that train ride why Susan and Teman were no
longer drinking ... because they were expecting. I know he
felt as joyous as I did about their little one on the way,
and for a moment, I felt love come over me. We kissed."

My Younger Brother

2009-04-11T18:49:00.001-07:00

I can't remember how many conversations I've had about my younger brother. He is a person in a difficult situation with many other people, and most of us find ourselves asking why and how he ever got in this predicament. He is the type of person that most people would see as a slacker without any regard for his future, a person who hides themselves in their room so that they can play video games all day, a person who does not know how to take care of themselves without support from a parent. Yes, my brother is a human leech.

I can't help but blame myself partly for his down fall. He is, after all, my brother, and I have looked out for him most of my life, especially at school when others would pick on him. He hasn't walked the most golden path, and from time to time, I try to show him what life could be like if he made a few changes. For a short time, he heeds my advice, but after a while, he regresses back to where he once was. It is quite frustrating when he acts as if he wants my advice and then disregards it, but I am not an everyday influence on him, and I feel that has some weight as to why he doesn't actually take my advice.

There are only a select few people whom he interacts with on a day-to-day basis, and they have nearly given up on helping him. Since I have moved away from my parents' house, he has become more selfish than I ever expected someone to be, and he has completely lost all respect for people, most of all our parents. For that, I find myself hating him. There is no one in this world who has loved him more than my parents, yet he treats them as if they don't care for him at all. I feel more pain for my parents than I do for myself for they must live with him since he still resides at their home.

My parents have debated over this situation more than I will ever know. We have never actually all sat down together and discussed some sort of intervention, but we have discussed it on a 1-on-1 basis. It seems that at times my brother tears my parents from each other because when he "acts out" they disagree on how to handle him. I have on many occasions voiced my opinions, and they confirm that they have the same feelings, but I sense that they have lost hope for my younger brother. They seem to believe that he has fallen so far behind that he will never catch up. I think that he feels the same way, and so they have just come to the point that they will continue to succumb to and help him support his childish ways.

It is a dreadful to know that my parents have given up. It is easy for me to convince one person to do the right thing, but when I am up against three, it is much more trying. I never give up on any of them; I just tire of repeating myself. One day my younger brother will be an old man... a future I'm sure my parents cannot foresee at this time. Now and in the future, I will regret that my parents were able to instill ethics in me but not in him, and I will always wonder why that is so.

Two for Sleep

2009-03-29T13:31:00.000-07:00

I woke up last night to find John sprawled across the queen-sized bed as close to me as possible. This put me on the edge, exactly where I fell asleep but with less covers. John's sleeping habits are a bit unusual when compared to my own. I typically sleep in the same spot as I fall asleep without disturbing the covers. Since John and I have begun to share beds, I have woken up many nights when he is having a dream and yelling out some nonsense or swinging violently in the air. Most people would find this annoying... to have someone invading your sleeping area or disruptive, but I find it comforting. It's easier to sleep with John who steals the covers every night, takes up more than half his share of the bed, and talks in his sleep than it is for me to sleep alone. Last night, I realized that I let all of that go.

Need for Rest

2009-03-25T19:22:00.000-07:00

Blah. Every day of the week seems the same. I can't remember the last time I actually took a break from school. Sometimes I look forward to the weekends, thinking that I will get a chance to relax. I tell myself that I'm getting a break then but not really.

School is a real challenge that takes up more of my time that I anticipated. Peter said I no longer have a personal life. John has confirmed, although he is my personal life. We are never apart it seems, and when we are it's only for a few hours or more.

The truth is that the free time that I do get I really just want to spend alone... lying on my bed. There I will feel comfort having Ana lying beside the bed as I lie in the quiet and soothing blue-painted room relaxing the tension I feel in my body and mind.

A Random Flutter

2009-01-08T13:18:00.000-08:00

Today I stood at a crosswalks. I was standing on a corner in the heart of downtown Atlanta in the middle of the scattered campus of Georgia State University. As I stood there, I looked across the street and I saw a guy. He was an okay looking guy. I thought, "What if I was marrying that guy?" A look came over me, I know it... one of disgust. I can't possibly marry that guy and wouldn't want to because I'm marrying John. I turned my head to look away. I looked back to cross the street, and that same guy had become John. Joy lit up my face, and I felt a little flutter in my stomach because I <3 John.

Tweak Peak

2008-11-13T21:17:00.001-08:00

I drank 20 oz of coffee at Alcove about 3 hours ago, and I'm still twitching. I feel like a crack addict, and I don't speak from experience on that comment. I spent a few hours working on a jigsaw puzzle that John bought me, which a fifth of has already been completed in that time frame. That reminds me of the old days when I used to pop a tab and work an entire jigsaw puzzle in one night. You can say I love jigsaw puzzles. I suppose if I had more coffee to drink I could complete another jigsaw puzzle in one night. What they say is true. Caffeine is a drug only not addictive... at least not to me. I hardly drink caffeine so I suppose this is a natural response for drinking coffee. It's like eating candy for the first time. I'll need to come down from this kick soon, though. I am teaching a lab downtown tomorrow at 8 am and will need some rest. Aye.

In Development

2008-11-04T12:11:00.001-08:00

Be proud, Mom and Dad. I voted today. Since it was my first time, I didn't go alone, and as I stood in line, I actually felt like I had a say in government. I didn't have that before, and I didn't really want to vote before. Peter helped. I still don't really feel like I need to vote, but I'm trying to understand the importance of it. I am a citizen in development.

As I inched closer to the poll, I had a flashback of me as a little kid at Hancock elementary school, sitting in the bottom level of the auditorium and waiting for my parents to vote. My parents never really stressed political values with my brothers or myself. I assume they wanted us to form our own. I read once that our families play a major role as to what our political values are, but even though my parents hardly ever spoke about politics, I've always had an intuition as to what their values are. I suppose their values stretched across all aspects of our lives.

Below Par

2008-11-01T17:18:00.000-07:00

I rested a lot this week. Tuesday I was knocked down by a cold that is still working its way out of my system. I feel much better, but the cold took a major toll on my studies, plans, and personal life. On a day that I should have stayed in bed, I trekked to school because of a test. I had plan (and looked forward to) hiking Providence Canyon today, but I am not well enough to go hiking still. This may have very well been the last weekend that I could go hiking before the weather cools. *SIGH* This week was tough. It was a test in many aspects of my life, some of which I failed. My temperament needs improvement. I should regard my words and actions beforehand.

Future Plans

2008-10-27T19:28:00.000-07:00

I'm looking forward to:

... going to Providence Canyon this weekend.
... finishing this semester.
... spending a weekend with Kelly.
... seeing my family.
... going to Vermont.
... and many more interesting things ahead in my life that I am too absent-minded to list them here.

Good day.

Diffidence

2008-10-25T17:40:00.000-07:00

One of the lab groups fabricated data on the previous week's lab. I know they fabricated the data because they used the same apparatus as someone else, and their data did not resemble the other lab groups in the least bit. So I gave them 0's. When one of the members of the group saw her grade, she decided to make a scene about it by yelling at me from the back of the class to come talk to her. I felt like my body had just gone white and goose bumps covered me. I didn't move from the desk so she came to me. She raised her voice and continued to tell me that I couldn't give her a grade like that when I saw them "do" the lab. I tried to explain to her why she got her grade without showing signs of quiver in my voice. I suppose she felt justified in that everyone's data would be different. I can agree that everyone's data would be different, but not that different. I told her if she had a problem with her grade that she would need to speak with my lab coordinator/supervisor and gave her the office number. She left, but she came back... this time she made an even bigger scene.

All of the other lab groups had already started the lab. She came in and sat back down where she usually sits. She made a phone call and decided to talk poorly about me in front of the other students. The same distressing feeling came over me. I conjured up the words to ask her to leave, but her only response was that I should leave. I needed back up so I texted John to see if he could get her to leave since I didn't have the number for the police station to have her removed. John came and I began to feel a little more comfortable. She wouldn't even budge for him so he went to the security guard at the front of the building, and they called the police station. Three police officers showed up to have her escorted out. She stated that she was already on her way out and that John was rude to her and left.

Soon after, her lab partner showed up. I could tell by the look on her face that she had spoken to the other student that was removed from the class. I handed her her grade, and she gave me the same excuses as to why she should not have received a zero. I told her the same as I told the first. She was very polite during our conversation, but as she walked away to grab her books, she called me a profane name and left.

I hate that I'm not assertive. Well, I am to a degree... more so with people I know that with those I don't. I suppose that my lack of assertiveness with strangers presents itself as a problem, especially in the Physics lab I'm teaching this semester.

Meet a Hiker

2008-10-19T18:01:00.001-07:00

I love how myspace has an advertisement for "meeting a hiker." Who would meet a hiker on myspace? Hikers don't hang out on myspace for hours on end. If you want to meet a hiker, you could join a club like the Atlanta Outdoors Club. That's my two-pence. Join an outdoors club... or if you're like me, ask your friends to hike with you. And why is myspace making hiking out to be something worth pointing out? I suppose being a hiker makes you good dating material. I can agree with that.

Day Break

2008-10-18T16:16:00.000-07:00

My ring broke. It was a nice ring, though cheaply made. I can't remember from where it came. It had my birth stone on it. I noticed people don't worry about birthdays too much as they get older. I don't know why. I love birthdays. October is a busy month for birthdays. Sabur, James, and Peter all had birthdays this month. That's not all. There's more to come. I figured out why so many people are born in October. It's because in the winter time people don't usually want to go outside because it's cold so they stay inside. There's only so much you can do inside, and when you're stuck with someone you love (hopefully), well, you get *busy*. My other thought was that a lot of people are born in October because approximately 9 months beforehand is the ever-so-popular drunken holiday full of frivolous activity known as New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve... I spent last New Year's Eve alone. James and I were supposed to go see Sound Tribe Sector 9, but he never got the tickets or something like that. Then we made plans to go see STS9 in August this year, but I had planned a vacation with my family that same weekend. James called me today and asked me to go see STS9 with him late December but not New Year's Eve. I agreed, even though it means I'll have to come back from NC early since I go home for Christmas. I'm going home the weekend after Thanksgiving, too. I just decided that today. I wasn't going to, but now I want to go. I want John to meet my family. I hope he likes them. I hope they like him. They love me, so they should love him, too. They have no reason to not like him. John is lovable. He tries to make people smile just because they feel bad. He is the most thoughtful person I know. That's good fortune.

Bye-bye, bites

2008-10-13T20:29:00.000-07:00

Ana had/has fleas. I took her to the vet a couple of weeks ago. They put her on antibiotics and an anti-inflammatory (to control itching). She had lost a great deal of hair and began to look rather malnourished. Since then she has gained weight, and she's had a flea bath and a dose of front-line. I cleaned her bedding. She doesn't scratch as much anymore, but I have seen a flea on her. I'm taking her to the vet tomorrow for a check-up. Hopefully, I will get some advice as to what to do next... like bathe her again.

Missed Connections

2008-10-05T11:55:00.000-07:00

Peter and I went hiking yesterday at Blood Mountain. The day was nice - a beautiful sky and cool enough that we could ride with the windows down and not break a sweat. We sat on large rocks in the shade for breaks that were so cool when we got up our bums were numb. We passed a lot of hikers on the trail, probably because it wasn't a strenuous trail. The hike was nice, but I felt like something was missing, and I still do.

I haven't spent much time with Peter these days, and I think he's been a little lonely. We decided to go hiking a few weeks ago. Typically when we hike, I have so much to say, but this time I didn't have anything to say. Nothing. I think I made a comment once about Kelly sending me a thank you card for the cookie jar that I made her and how happy she was to see me at her surprise wedding shower. After that, I just listened to what Peter had to say. I suppose he needed someone to listen to him, but he made a comment about how he was talking to much and asked me to join in. I could only conjure up the words, "I guess I don't have too much to say since all I do is eat, sleep, and study."

It's true. I feel a little less enthusiastic these days when it comes to talking with my friends. While they are out on the town, I'm searching for answers to my modern or diff-EQ homework. I haven't quite figured out how to bridge a conversation about my scholastic studies to my friends who have no clue what I'm talking about. The truth is that I saw this coming... I just didn't want to believe it.

The first time I noticed the beginning of my missed connections was while I visited NC. I tried to explain some extraordinary idea about light diffraction, and as I continued to discuss it (with myself) I noticed the look on my friend's face - utterly blank. I was dumb-struck. I had just made my friend feel stupid, and I had "succeeded" so well that they had no retort. In all honesty, anyone who knows me knows that I would never belittle another person especially with knowledge, and by seeing the look on that person's face made me realize that my mind is transitioning to a place that not many people go.

Closing Gaps and Taking Naps?

2008-09-25T10:04:00.000-07:00

I had to chop off a lot of Ana's hair the other day. She's been nibbling herself and it became matted. Her short tail hair makes her look even skinnier, and I told her she looks like a boy. Peter watched her for me while I was in NC this past weekend, and he told me when I got back that Ana had jumped the fence not once, but twice in two consecutive days! Neither of us knew how until today. While I was saying goodbye to John, she slid through a slit in the fence. It wasn't connected to the neighbor's fence. I can't believe she gave up her secret that easily. I went to Home Depot, bought zip ties, and fixed the fence so now she won't get out... until she tramples upon another hole. Darn dog.

On a side note, I'm avoiding my homework. I'm sick and I'm tired. I should probably take a nap. I have a lot of homework to do, though. *sigh*

So close yet so far away...

2008-09-14T18:17:00.000-07:00

I went to an observatory yesterday with other SPS (Society of Physic Students) members. If you've never had the opportunity to look through a $20,000 telescope, I sincerely suggest taking the time to find one. In one clear evening, I laid eyes upon Jupiter so clearly that I could see striations from the gas clouds and four of its moons. I also observed a globular cluster, the moon, and the nearest galaxy to our own (Milky Way): Andromeda. The stars seem so close, but when you look at the nearest galaxy and it's close to 2 million light years away, you begin to put yourself in perspective. I was looking at 2 million year old light... that's how far away the galaxy is.

That's not the only thing that I feel so close to yet so far away. Relationships have been sort of thrown in the air since I moved to Tucker, and though I have formed new ones, I'm not sure how to label them. Maybe I shouldn't... I'm not really sure. My problem being that if I label my new relationships there is the potentiality that I may interrupt our blissful lives as they are. I can't be too finite on this subject because well I'm not open to admitting my feelings on this matter at the moment, but let's just say that there's a gap in my path, and I feel comfortable enough to jump it only I'm not sure that's the path I want to take.

Decisions, decisions.

Sayonara Ok Cupid

2008-09-10T20:01:00.000-07:00

Dating is disappointing. I send messages to potential dates, and we seem to hit it off. Then we meet, and they're a let down. I read about them, I talk to them, and then when I see how they are in person, they're different. Either they look nothing like their pictures, or they're nothing like what they say their personality is like. I actually had one guy tell me on our date that he dropped out of college because he "didn't feel like putting in the effort." Wow. *sarcastic* Where has he been all of my life?!? I had another date last weekend meeting a Tucker local. The date started off well, but out of the blue, he says that he met someone at some bar in Tucker a few days after he met me, and later found her on Ok Cupid so he said he was checking me out "for [his] roommate." Please pass me, the table scraps, to the next lonely male... NOT!

So this is it. This is my good-bye letter to Ok Cupid. I'm not deleting my profile; I'm just going away for a while. I'm going to join society and meet guys the old fashioned way, and perhaps this time I will meet someone who is slightly more sane than all the others I've ran into online. Sayonara Ok Cupid.

It's a weakness; so shoot me.

2008-09-06T23:41:00.000-07:00

Despite the fact that I try to control my emotions, some just boil enough to reach a certain point of overflow, enough to make me go insane. Anger just happens to be one of them. I never stand up for what I believe is true unless I'm absolutely sure, and when I'm not so sure, I always back down. I'm just a push over like that, and it hardly ever happens that I am completely and accurately correct. So when I know I'm right, you better believe I'm not backing down without a fight... even it means I have to hold it against you. I will forever believe I am correct until you can prove otherwise.

Here's just a reminder:

You Can't Win Them All

2008-09-01T14:36:00.000-07:00

Peter says I'm being pouty, but I think he just says that to pick on me and make me feel better. While he's being stuck and pumping out the life juice, I'm sitting on the sidelines wearing a sticker that says, "Be nice to me... I TRIED to give blood today."

Today would be the third time I've been denied to give blood because of my iron level. I suppose I'm a little upset because I tried so hard to do it right this time by eating healthier, and even though my iron level was within range, I was told that I missed their minimum by 1%. One percent!

As I was handed back my blood donor card, I felt my eyes get teared up. I fought it. I just didn't want people to see me getting all melancholy over not being able to give blood. After walking around the mall for a half hour or so, we go back home. I moped around, trying to cope with not being able to give blood today. Why am I so upset?

Giving blood is one thing I always associated with as a contribution to society. I don't feel like I've made any kind of difference or contribution. The one time I try to do some voluntary good deed I'm denied. It's depressing.

Peter bought me something to cheer me up, and I took it, but it doesn't fill the part of my heart that wants to give.

A Poem by Me

2008-08-31T06:40:00.000-07:00

I found this poem today. I wrote it in August of 2007, and I have an inkling as to why I was so sad that day. The reason I'm posting it here is that I'm cleaning up my hard drive of junk, and this poem, I decided, should survive because it reminds me that no matter how bad life may seem, things will turn around.

"Hugless Hug-ho"

Sometimes you feel like hiding...
You want to be alone,
But at the same time you're longing for something.
What it is - you don't know.
You feel it.
It's the source of your suffering.
You shed a tear, just one for now.
Somehow that brings consolation-
Just for a moment.
You wrap your arms around yourself
Your soul crashes within you
It hurts, but it needs to come out.
You'll feel better later.
Right now, you can only focus
On the fact that you're alone.
Someone tries to call you,
And you ignore them,
But didn't you need them all along?
Somehow speaking with them
Makes what you're feeling worse
Mainly because all the hurt is coming out,
But from experience you know that
Sharing your thoughts is part of the resolution.
Someone could be right next to you
And you'd still feel alone.
No one knows what you're feeling.
All you need is a little empathy,
And you can't have it.
Sometimes you just need a hug.
No words, just a hug.

On Mental Rest...

2008-08-27T00:27:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to wonder if these sleepless nights have any meaning to them. Despite all of my preparations to have a deep sleep, I find my mind rambling through my past. My mind remembers tiny details of small moments that were long forgotten and at present race in and out of my mind faster than lightning striking right before my eyes. I pause in mid-thought, suddenly focusing my attention on the rhythmic singing of the crickets outside. They speak to me and remind me of where I am. I am here, in the present... not in the past. I close my eyes. I place my hands across my abdomen and slow my breathing. I stretch and then feel a gentle wisp of air on my face from the ceiling fan. My mind empties itself of all thought. I am free. Sleep is just a whisper away...

Daily Designation

2008-08-24T15:36:00.000-07:00

I watch clocks like a supermodel who constantly looks in her compact mirror.

I stare at a clock, thinking :: Time to get up. I have so long until I have to leave the house. Class starts at this time. Feed Ana, morning and night. How much time do I have to waste before I have to do my homework? When is the best time to call my parents? What time does [a place] close? How much sleep did I get last night? How long should I wait? ::

Time is a parameter, a guideline for each and every day of my life. It ultimately makes the decision as to what events will come to pass. Time is a limit, and though I am the most prompt person I know, days without consideration of time feel as if they are a complete waste. Today has been like one of those days when you left the laundry in the washing machine, and the clothes begin to turn sour. This day is sour. A rain on the parade, a useless 24 hour period without any accomplishments. I have nothing to say for myself except that I played navigator for an hour or two and that I was responsible enough to make a trip to the farmer's market to buy food so I can have lunch tomorrow.

Now I wallow in the fact that it's nearing bed time, and tasks that I should have done earlier in the day have patiently waited, neatly stacked themselves, and are ready to be completed. What's stopping me? Time.

The Absolute Freedom

2008-08-14T14:21:00.000-07:00

I spent a good deal of time online yesterday digging into something deep. It felt like an obsession, but I couldn't pull myself away from it. A few years ago I watched a documentary called Bowling for Columbine about the 4/20/99 school shooting at Columbine High School in Littleton, CO, and while I was filtering through my movies the other day, I came across it. I decided to research more information on this tragedy for myself. I read articles upon articles, statements, blogs, some which could be believed and others that couldn't. I plunged deep to get into the minds of the suicidal/homicidal teens who expressed their rage towards their classmates and teachers.

Reading and listening to differing conclusions about the root cause of their actions reminded me of what life was like when I was a teen. At the time, high school seemed like the beginning and end. I finally felt grown-up, but I knew after high school life would be a lot worse - not seeing my friends everyday and more responsibility. There were plenty of times then when I thought about suicide and came close to doing it. Suicide seemed to be the absolute freedom from obligations and troubles. I never told anyone about those moments. I just kept them to myself, not even my parents know of those difficult and trying times in my life. Like Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, I expressed those depressing thoughts in a journal.

While showering today, out of nowhere, I remembered one of those suicidal moments. My dad always knew I liked to sit on top of the roof and yelled at me for it. I would access the deck through the sliding door in my parents' bedroom and hop over the railing to the roof of the garage and then finally on up to the rooftop of the house. I would sit on the roof when I just wanted to be alone to think. Most of the time I was sad and upset, and no one would bother me up there. If I were in my room, my family would beg to come in. On this particular day that I recalled, I remembered precisely why I had gone to the roof. Beau Robinson had broken up with me again. The story behind Beau has some extensive detail, but let's just say that I really loved this guy, and I'm pretty sure he felt the same, but he just wouldn't commit to me (because he was scared?). It sounds retarded now when I think back on that moment, but I was fairly upset with him for taking another little piece of my heart away. So on that day I walked to the side of the house, standing on the apex of the roof. I held my arms out like I was a bird, ready to fly off the edge. This was the highest point on the roof because the house was on a downward slope. I looked down, and considered just jumping right then. I stood there, just staring at the ground below me, feeling the wind blow my hair about me. Suicide seemed possible, but in the back of my mind, I thought, "If I do jump, and I don't die, then I'll have to deal with having broken bones, and my parents questioning my actions." That overruled the suicide attempt that day.

I don't regret having that suicidal moment. In fact, I could even go so far as thanking that guy for breaking up with me again. He helped me to realize that I am a strong person, though I didn't see that until today. I guess the point of this blog was to say that life may seem troublesome and depressing, and as a young adults, our emotions run away from us when trying to cope with those moments. Those moments seem to be the lowest points in our lives, but the reality is that life could always be worse. I think that is what saved me that day on the rooftop. I realized that I would rather stay the way that I was (alive and well) than have to deal with broken bones and upset parents. Somewhere deep inside, while I was reading about Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold I just kept hoping that I could save them, as if they were still alive. I was hoping that they would see what I see now... a life full of ups and downs that when recalled help us become better people.

Friends or More?

2008-07-16T15:06:00.000-07:00

It all began when Sabur kidnapped me and stole me for the weekend. I only thought I would be gone for a day, but it ended up being 3. A few days before, Sabur tells me that he has family coming into town, and I made the suggestion that I stay with Todd (our mutual friend) who lives about 5 minutes away. I pretty much spent the entire weekend with Todd, but Sabur stopped by to visit and we went or hung out at times, but at night, I was with Todd. The first night I asked him if I could share a bed with him. I like sharing beds with people... especially if I like them. We snuggled (very well). It was good snuggling. The next weekend I figured I'd give Todd a call to see what he's doing. He said he was supposed to hang out with someone, but they hadn't called him back so he called me over. Needless to say, I stayed at his house again (just snuggling). I won't deny that by this time that I wanted to jump his bones, but something just told me that I shouldn't because I don't know if this person has feelings for me.

I've been struggling with how to say this the past few days. How do you tell someone you like them more than as a friend without ruining the friendship? "I like you," seems dull and uninteresting. I'm not trying to say "I love you," but I want to say it with some meaning so that he knows I'm interested in him as a person and not just for the sex part. Thinking back now on my history with Todd, there was a time when he acted like he was really interested in me, but I'm not sure if that still exists. He hasn't been in a relationship since then and neither have I. Also, it was just hinted a couple of times. On the other hand, Sabur tells me that Todd is a very picky person, that he has high standards and as a result he hasn't had a date in a long time. Ay carumba! I'm not perfect, and those words right there do not offer any encouragement of professing my interest in this person.

The bottom line is that I want to have a relationship with this guy. I'm tired of just jumping into the sex part and then finding out later that my interests was all for nothing. Sure I enjoy the sex while it lasts, but it has no fulfillment in the end. What's it worth if I don't have someone that I feel close to? We are just f*ck buddies at that point, and I never have been able to accept that, especially with someone that I like. So either I tell him how I feel and risk losing our friendship or I just move on and forget this butterfly feeling that I have every time I'm around him.

Just a Pink Peg in the Game of Life

2008-07-09T17:44:00.001-07:00

Sometimes jumping at opportunities helps make something of yourself, even if you're not sure where the opportunities will lead you. I kind of had an idea long ago of what I wanted to do in life, but I never owned up to it. I guess I lived life for the moment, and I just wasn't ready to grow up yet. I'm still not, but not too long ago, my Id spoke to me and told me that what I'm doing with my life RIGHT NOW is not what I'm supposed to be doing for the rest of my life. Doors opened, and now I'm walking through. It's a little scary.

I turned in my resignation notice yesterday for my job, even though I don't have another job lined up. Scary in itself, right? Yeah, I'm going on faith that something will fall into my lap (with some effort) or I'll just sign up for some job like serving, again. Either way, I have 2 screwed up emotions announcing themselves inside me: excitement and fear. I'm excited that I will be leaving the hell-hole of a job I landed years ago and starting school full time but scared because I won't have the safety cushion anymore. I won't have a big pay check that I can spend on what I want because I'll have to budget. I won't have my benefits; I won't have holidays. I won't have the weekends off, and I'll hardly ever get to see my friends or family in NC. That's a lot to give up. A LOT.

Two years. That's how long the sacrifice will be. Two. It doesn't seem like a huge number, but it's also 104 weeks or 728 days, etc. Even so, who's to say that after making such a sacrifice that I will even be able to graduate in that time? Here's where the scary part kicks back in. People tell me I'm smart... I'm brave... I have nothing to worry about... and I'm on the right track, but that's easy to say when you're not the one doing it. *sigh* Living in the moment doesn't help me to see the ends I will reach with such sacrifices. I am impatient and want to see them now.

A thought.

Bathing in Moonlight

2008-06-16T18:26:00.000-07:00

As I pulled to the street side by my house, I peeked into the backyard and saw lightning bugs floating about in the dusk. My heart fluttered as I turned off the ignition, grabbed my things, and ran to the door. I fumbled my keys in the excitement. I threw my things down at the kitchen table and raced to the back door. The first few moments I chased nothing. I ran after air. I saw a flicker, and it disappeared. I ran to where the flicker was and... nothing. Damn. I did this quite a few times. Chasing lightning bugs seemed much easier as a kid, but then again wasn't half the fun in the chase? I learned to pace myself after a while, and finally I caught one. He flew away. I slowly edged towards more lightning bugs, and suddenly I was covered in moonlight. I peered into a full moon in the darkening sky that had been perfectly placed between two forty foot pine trees. The full moon was so luminescent that I stopped in my steps and quietly soaked in the magic that was happening. I raised my arms as I had done so many times in Wiccan rituals and closed my eyes to find my inner peace. In a clockwise direction, I slowly turned to bath my entire body in the moonlight, as if cleansing my soul. After completing one full turn, I opened my eyes and gazed upon the moon in awe. I immediately felt 16 years younger and laughter bubbled inside me. I giggled to myself.

A day like today reminds me that life is more than working and paying bills, that life should be enjoyed, and that in everything there is something to be appreciated. A day like today says that today is the best day, and if every day were the best day, then there would never be any bad days. That's the most important piece... not having any bad days. Now there's a thought.

Weird Thought

2008-06-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

I was in the warehouse at work today just before it was time for me to clock out. I was finishing up putting labels on the equipment I'd just received in the database. We label all of the inventoried equipment with "material codes." A material code sheet holds 30 sticker labels: 3 columns, 10 rows. I noticed that whenever I use the labels, I always start at the most left column of the 3, and when Angela, the other inventory clerk, uses the labels she begins at the most right column. I analyzed this trend consciously while labeling the DSL filters.

I concluded that:

(1) I start at the left most column because I am right-handed. I use my left hand as support for my right-hand peeling the sticker label.

(2) Angela is left-handed so she starts at the right most column, using her right hand as support for her left.

(3) We both use the middle column last.

(4) We complement each other.

After I'd finished this complete conscience thought, I felt strangely awkward, and I'm not sure why.

Ch-ch-changes

2008-05-27T20:22:00.000-07:00

I always feel weird after coming back from a vacation. Ugh. I must work again. I beginning to feel like all I do is work, and well it's not any fun. It's not that work is supposed to be fun, but I have this lasting hope that one day I would enjoy what I do. How did life become so dull and boring? I remember that not so long ago I was passionate about life and what I do with it. I'm not sure if I've fallen victim to routine. Perhaps I need a wrench thrown into the gear to create some change. I read on someone's rants today that they were tired of hearing people complain about how they are "stuck" somewhere in life, i.e. a situation, and continued saying that no one is truly "stuck" because a decision just needs to be made. So there never really is an in-between. Either you do something about it or you don't.

Either I change what I do or I deal with what I've got. That's easier said than done, but it's worth a shot.

Empty Love Tank

2008-04-24T21:10:00.000-07:00

I called my parents again today. I've been calling them a lot lately. I think I miss them. Sometimes I find myself just calling them for no particular reason at all. I called a few times this past month just to say "I love you." Is that normal? Today I called them because I wanted to know where I could buy some binoculars... and they don't even live in the same state as me, much less the same city.

Maybe I just call them because it feels good to know that someone misses and loves me. I don't get that kind of attention much these days. I used to. I don't know what happened to it. These days I'm feeling more and more alone. At one time, I had more friends than I could juggle, but it seems they have drifted away one by one. Life does that. People become wrapped up in their own lives and forget those who at one time meant something to them. I have forgotten people before, and I guess I realize how hard it is on the other person since I am now one of those forgotten.

My loneliness has caused me to act out of character. It's odd how often I call my parents because at one time, I remember I used to get calls from them everyday, or so it seemed. My dad used to call me on Saturday mornings at 8 am waking me up, but that doesn't happen anymore. I'm lucky I got a phone call on my birthday I guess. Actually, my mom forgot about my birthday because the card came a few days later and she called a few days late.

I suppose I'm calling them to make up for all the times that they called me. It balances out.

So long and thanks for nothing...

2008-04-12T15:40:00.000-07:00

I said good-bye today to the rotten existence of a male that I was dating. Saying good-bye was pretty easy, but doing it doesn't help my sanity any. I just can't figure out why the guy acts like a douche.

I won't pretend to give excuses for his words/actions, but here are a few examples that are questionable:

(1) I made plans with you and another couple earlier this week to do a double date, but "my 'brothers' called and I'm going to hang out with them instead."

(2) "You're supposed to ask if I want to be your boyfriend."

(3) He had a headache so bad that we had to leave a party early, but he was still able to operate his dick.

(3) He never wanted to hang out with me and my friends, even though I hung out with him and his friends.

(4) He compared me to his fantasy version of a female and not in a good way.

(5) He couldn't "go" longer than 10 minutes.

I could sit here and list quite a few more worthless characteristics, but person-bashing is not "my thing," even though I'm sure I would feel better about myself. I guess the question is this: if so many people find me to be this wonderful person, how come this one guy couldn't see that?

Guy Lingo (#$*&%)

2008-04-06T20:59:00.000-07:00

When was the law made that you have to "ask" to be someone's girlfriend? Never has someone said that to me until today. From what I've heard, if you're mutually and exclusively dating someone consistently for at least 2 months, then you're in a "common law" relationship. I figure if we're both having a good time and enjoy each other's company, then we're in a relationship, especially if he's opening doors and offering to pay for dinners, etc.

However, this is not the case with the current guy. Over dinner, I let slip that I didn't know if I should consider him my boyfriend. To which he replied that I needed to ask (based on what he heard from a girl a few years back). I immediately responded with, "And how old was she?" The last time I remember "asking" someone to be my boyfriend was when I was in grade school. Jeez, are we kids or what?!?

After that story was unraveled, he said he wasn't looking for a relationship right now and that he intended to still call me because he enjoys my company and we have good times together. But my thoughts are what have we been doing the past 2 months? Of course, he could be stringing me along, and I'm totally shocked if he is because from what our mutual friends have told me he's not that type of character.

On impulse today, I nearly just broke it off. I wasn't going to answer my phone if he ever called me again (it would be easiest that way), but after discussing this with a few friends and getting valuable input from multiple angles, I've decided that I will be an "adult" about the situation and ask him what he meant the next time we talk just to make sure we are both on the same page.

I do not want to get hurt again.

This Old House

2008-04-05T22:12:00.000-07:00

Less than 30 days left in this apartment, and it feels like it was yesterday when I moved in. It's been nice living here. I remember before I even moved in that all I owned was the clothes on my back and in my closet, some books and movies, and a book case. Moving into an apartment alone was quite scary. I didn't know whom I would be living around, even though the area was a little familiar. I remember going to IKEA and picking out my new furniture. I remember purchasing my 360 and my new TV. I remember asking my coworkers to get me a microwave for Christmas because I hadn't had one since I moved in... nearly 7 months (still not sure how I lasted that long).

I hung out with a good friend tonight that I hadn't seen in a while. I hadn't seen him because he lives a little ways away, but also because we both lead very busy lives. I regret not spending more time with my friends, but it was hard for me to spread myself so thin between friends when I already had so little time. I thought about how much I will miss living here today because in a few weeks I will be moving to the other side of Atlanta, the side where I know no one but my roommate. I know that none of my friends will come to visit me because even though I live as close as I do now they don't come. Sadly, I feel the bonds of our friendships breaking and I haven't even moved yet.

I guess the moment has come when I have realized that this old house (apartment) will not be mine anymore and life must go on. I'm moving because I have an agenda and ambition, and though I am leaving something behind me, I am moving forward to a better life. I must remind myself that this is only a minor sacrifice.

You rang?

2008-04-03T20:37:00.000-07:00

Eh, I'm not one to talk on the phone much, but every once in a while I take the time to call and check up on mis amigos favoritos. I hadn't talked to Peter in about 3 or 4 days so I felt the need. When I called, I got his voice mail so I decided to call him later. On my way to the train station after class, I called his cell again. This time the call was answered, but not by Peter.

I heard someone on the other end with a Spanish accent. After we exchanged awkward greetings, I asked "Who is this?!" To which the gentleman replied, "This is Julio." "Where's Peter?!?" I replied. Confused, I hung up. I immediately called his brother Phil to find out if he had heard from Peter because my immediate thought was #1 that someone had stolen his phone and #2 that something terrible had happened to him. I wanted confirmation that neither had occurred, but I knew that Peter would not remember my cell phone number to call me from another phone if he had indeed lost his cell. I asked Phil to call me as soon as he heard from Peter, no matter what time of the day it was.

I'm still confused and concerned about Peter's welfare so I call my friend Sabur to discuss it. Next thing I know, Peter's cell is beeping in on my conversation with Sabur, and I thought "It's that Julio guy again." I answered the phone, and this time it was Peter. I'm really confused by this point, but glad to hear his voice.

Peter unraveled the confusing tale. Strangely, Peter had gotten a similar call as I had, except his was from a Spanish speaking woman. So Peter had the same thoughts I had: that someone stole my phone and/or that something terrible had happened to me. Not even 15 seconds after I hung up with Phil, Peter called him and explained the same scenario and asked for a follow-up on me if Phil heard from me. Phil laughed off the strangeness and told Peter he had just hung with me. That is when Peter called me.

I'm not really sure what happened. But it's quite freakish. I'm guessing the lines got crossed in transmission, and I'm sure the other two people that we got mixed up with were feeling the same as Peter and I were. Confused and scared for the person whom they had thought they rang.

For Sabur

2008-03-31T19:05:00.000-07:00

Most people know that I don't really enjoy talking on the phone. Though I love to get phone calls, I try to keep the conversation as short as possible, always. Only one person in my life has the ability to keep my jaws clacking more than 5 minutes, and the fact that he can do this is in itself mesmerizing. Every phone conversation we have seems to be at minimum an hour, and I tell myself, "What the heck am I talking about for an hour?"

The truth is that I open up my heart to this person. I know that no matter what comes out of my mouth that he will not judge me for it. I know this because I can say some of the quirkiest things, and he will just laugh at me. I have a comeback for his laugh, of course, which always leads to more laughing. We probably spend more time laughing on the phone than we do actually conversing, but nonetheless, I always have a grin on my face when I'm talking to him, and my face almost always hurts from grinning after I hang up.

I realized today that I know this person inside and out. After 3 years, I know exactly what his tastes are, how he operates as a person, and some of his secrets that he unknowingly reveals. I know exactly what will make him laugh. We enjoy each other's company so much, but we hardly see each other.

I guess that hour long conversation makes up for all the time we haven't spent together, and it just feels so damn good to have someone that I can open up to, that gives a damn about who I am and what happens to me, but still keeps me light-hearted enough to enjoy life no matter what good or bad may come my way.

So here's to my friend, Sabur! May we forever be the best of friends, keep our hearts light, our pockets full, and our minds always open! Blessings upon us.

Better Off Alone?

2008-03-24T14:04:00.000-07:00

It comes to this: Would I rather be with someone that I semi-care about or just become single again? A few outside forces are applying pressure to this decision: my friends, my sanity, my desire to not be alone, my upcoming move, among others. I suppose I should just make my decision about this relationship the way I used to. I would write down the pros and cons of the situation and weigh them (not physically, you nincompoop).

Pros: nice, humorous, graduate, teacher, big on family, neat, goofy, pays most of the time, lives alone, doesn't drink alot (pro/con), never done drugs (pro/con), likes being outdoors, adapts to my eating style, plays video games, reads books, loves the ocean, currently lives close

Cons: socially awkward, introverted, doesn't eat healthy, allergies, needs work in the bedroom, not willing to hang out with my friends with me, doesn't drink alot (pro/con), never done drugs (pro/con), watches way too much TV, wants to own a gun

Ok, so it's 17-10. I'll keep dating him to see if things change. I won't force him to change; he'll need to do this on his own.